Roughly 6 months ago, the economy was tanking, jobs were being snatched from our grasps at record paces, and I had about 20 less women under my distinguished belt. Those, Officer Friday, are just the facts.

Today, even though the market is bouncing back and there seems to be more jobs, there are still people out of work or being laid off everyday. Amazingly, my sexual economy hasn't slowed down and I somehow managed to remain employed even though I can't possibly be any less affable or underachieve anymore at my job. My family is even astonished by my gainful employment.

Each day, throughout this great country, men and women go to their jobs, worrying whether or not their livelihood is going to be stolen from them. Stolen without cause or regard for their well-being -- much like the way I go about romancing a woman, I might add. In my humblest of opinions, I think all this worrying is being done in vain. I have come to realize that no matter the level of effort you choose to convey, dumb luck is probably the only reason you are still employed, or not. After all, if history has taught us anything, it's that everyone, aside from the guy with the thickest shaft in the porn industry, is expendable.

If you have fallen on hard times take a moment and realize that this is not your fault. You are still awesome, and, in my opinion, the blame should fall solely on the CEO or anyone else who makes more money than you. Why is that? I don't have a definitive answer, but I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that it's not the fault of Joan from Accounts Receivables that no one wants to buy the stupid product that the CEO signed off on. Is it? Sure Joan can be off-putting at times and forces coworkers into conversations about how her cat is her soul mate, but Joan is 58 years old, single, and has a face that looks like a peeled orange; give her a fucking break, ya jerk. Blame that bitch for your sleep apnea, but she, much like the countless other who have been let go, certainly isn't the reason that the company's stock price has hit a 30-year low.

So if your boss gave you your walkin' papers (like ugly ass Joan), here are a few nifty ways to get back on your feet or to just enjoy your unemployed days.

(Note: You'll notice that I have left out doing drugs, drinking, and masturbating. You should be doing those if you are employed and even more so if you are not. If your father didn't tell you that when you were a child, then shame on him.)

1. Collect Unemployment
Consider this milking of the governments' tit for the next 13 months early retribution for the Social Security you will never receive in retirement. Remember that you are only eligible to collect if you lose your job due to lay-offs or something similar. So if you try to embezzle money or you posterize your boss's face with your fist, Uncle Sam won't open his blouse and let you suck on those sweet pepperoni-shaped nipples of his.  Keep Reading »

This article is for all you bros out there clinging to two last semesters of living the dream. By "living the dream" I mean being a college senior and basically doing whatever the fuck you want for all but the two hours a day when you surf the web in lecture halls.

The dream is coming to an end; it's not healthy to avoid this fact. The real question is what we bros need to do about it. Struggling to find full-time employment? Aren't we all.
Bros, the prospect of successfully venturing out into today's workforce is a daunting one. Jobs are few and far between, and you will be applying for jobs for which people with five or more years of related experience are also vying.  Keep Reading »

Just laid off from your fancy corporate job and have all the time in the world but no steady income? Still clinging to your gig but looking for some ways to cut costs in this economy while not sacrificing the lifestyle you have worked so hard to attain? It's time to become an economic realist. But don't worry, you can make certain financially prudent cuts and still maintain that same pre-recession zest for life. Here's how to can beat the economic terrorists (the fat cats that let you go while they each made $1.5 million last year) and still live the good life:

Make a Budget. I know most of you have never actually sat down and written one out, but it's very helpful to know exactly how much you have coming in and where it is going each month. Especially true since so many of us pay our bills automatically and do all our personal finance online. It's not quite the same when you don't have to mail in payments or balance an actual checkbook. Try to look for areas where you can both tighten your belt or increase your income (see next entry). Then try to stick to your budget.

Increase Your Income. One of the things that people often forget is that there is more to a budget than the expenses. Consider increasing your income. I know it may not be your dream job or a good job, but you're a smart, young professional. Try to tutor students in your neighborhood. Try to look for random administrative or freelance jobs. This will help you keep active and provide some extra money to boost that budget. Remember though, that your main goal is to find a new job, so allot plenty of time to finding new permanent employment. In this respect, "full-time temporary jobs" can hinder finding a real job, as you have time to look for permanent work. Keep your eye on the long term!

Negotiate the Essentials. In this economy, everything is up for grabs! I know several people that have negotiated the leases on their rentals, even in mid-lease. Talk to your building managers and tell them that your financial situation prevents you from paying your monthly rental payments. You'd be surprised how often they'll cut a couple hundred bucks off your rent, and over a year, that adds up. If necessary, you can sublease your apartment to someone else and find a less expensive rental. You can also shop around for health insurance, food, clothes, and other essentials.  Keep Reading »

Slate has a pretty cool and pretty depressing interactive graphic up on its site documenting just how unemployment has swept across the nation over the past two years. The screen cap above is of the January 2007 chart. Blue dots indicate jobs gained over the same month the previous year. Red dots indicate jobs lost year over year. The size of the dots of course relate to the number of jobs lost. On Slate you can click through month by month to see how things unraveled, but for a look at just how bad things have gotten, check out the latest graph from February 2009 after the jump.  Keep Reading »

How Do You 'Pronounciate' 'Idiot'? Joe the Plumber heads to Israel. [Daily Show] Countdown to Jan. 20: Unemployment  Keep Reading »