Whether during a physical examination or when a girl is navigating your vein-laden terrain, nothing makes a man happier than when his penis represents him well. No man, I repeat, NO MAN, wants to be the kid in gym class who gets pants'd only to expose a penis that could legitimately thread a needle. Today we aren't talking about the times when our penis fails us, but rather those times when it can get overeager and represent us too well and for no logical reason, especially when it happens at the most unfortunate of times.

It's not crystal clear to me what causes our dicks to just decide to rise like the phoenix -- without fiddling or proper cause (see: big sloppy tits) -- but uncontrollable boners have plagued men since the stone ages. And while I don't think any historical statistics can back up that statement, I would be shocked -- full-fist-in-the-ass kind of shocked -- if any man came forth to dispute that declaration.

Like most of you, save for anyone with severe erectile dysfunction (cue pity), I have had to perform the tuck up, employ the hunch-over, and utilize numerous boner pillows in my day. Sadly, though, situations sometime arise where either we cannot hide our erect phallic or our boners have come at the worst possible time. And while that time or occurrence might not be indicative of your sexuality, shit happens. Look on the bright side: we may get phantom boners at inopportune times but at least our genitalia doesn't bleed once a month.

1. While overhearing your parents fucking
Quite possibly the most disturbing scenario. If you show me a person who likes or yearns to hear their parents fuck, I'll show you someone who is bound to be institutionalized in adulthood.

2. At the beach
I once bared witness to a man walking on the beach with a full hard-on, while wearing a g-string. That's right, not only were hundreds of people exposed to his hard penis, but we all got to revel in the flossing of his asshole. A very unsettling sight. To make matters worse, this douchebag wouldn't even lie down until his penis became flaccid, and once it did, he immediately massaged it back to stiff and then continued to comb the beach. My only guess is that his dick doubles as a metal detector. Although I think the treasure he was looking for could only be found in the asshole of another man. And people wonder why I left Miami...  Keep Reading »