Editor's Note: This is the latest installment of a new column by Nina Kaplan. A rising star on the social scene, Nina interns at a celebrity/fashion magazine and moonlights as a stripper at Bump 'n Grind. A web series produced by Direct Arts about Nina and her best friend, artist and fellow stripper Lucy Palermo, is premiering this Spring 2010. Go to WelcomeToTheGrind.com for more information.

Strip clubs are a bastion for the amateur psychologist. In fact, quite a few psychology majors minor in stripping to get them through college. Freaks and geeks, from 16 to 60 -- it's a petri dish of penises. Or is that penii? Here are the usual suspects:

1. Bobby Bucks
There's a party in Bobby's lap. He's got a girl on each knee; five crowd around his dime-sized table, drinking champagne and laughing uproariously at his not very funny jokes. Other guys look at him and wonder, "What does that guy have that I don't?" Hint: it's green and it's snaking its way into the g-string of all of Bobby's girls.

2. Fetish Frank
He sits at the edge of the stage with a look in his eye that is hungrier than other guys. The word gets passed around in the dressing room, "Frank wants to suck your shoe." Most guys want to fuck to girls -- Frank wants to fuck feet. Or armpit. Or he wants to get fucked. As in, "Fuck you Frank. You're a fucking loser." I always wonder how Frank got so fucked up.

3. Jack & Jill
Jill giggles as she sits in a corner with her boyfriend Jack. "You like girls?" Jack asks as I pass. "Dance for my girlfriend." Jill turns pink and giggles some more as I suggestively wave my ass in her face. Jack and Jill are looking for Little Miss Muffet so they could eat her.

4. Hymie Hassid
And on the seventh day, Hymie rested in a strip club, had a Heineken, and got a hard-on.


5. Sad Dad
Sad Dad wants you to have a drink with him so he could tell you all about his divorce and show you pictures of his kids whom he never gets to see. He hasn't had sex in a year and his mom is dying and he just turned 46 and he just got laid off and he's going to therapy to heal his inner child.

6. Brad and Bernie's Best Bromance
Brad wants you to dance for Bernie. Bernie wants you to dance for Brad. They're best buds. They drink Bud. They watch the game. They talk up girls. They should be conjoined twins.

7. Sammy and the Seven Dwarfs
Also known as the Bachelor Party. Lessee, there's Happy, Horny, Bashful, Grumpy, Doc, Dopey, and Dickhead. And they all want to fuck Sammy up. It's vindictive, actually, a blood sport. See Sammy drink his sixtieth shot. See Sammy go through an assembly line of lap dances. See Sammy get picked on and pelted with peanuts. By the end of the night, Sammy can't wait to get married so his wife can protect him from those evil dwarfs.

8. Norman Bates
He's quiet. Really quiet. So you're surprised when he slips you a five and asks you to sit with him. He buys you a drink. He doesn't look at you. He tells you the place has changed since he was last here. Five years ago. Before he went to jail. For killing his mother. And his sister. And his girlfriend. And his little dog. He's a nice guy, really.

9. Grandpa Bill
He's 93 and he has hardly any hair and hardly any natural teeth, but he still gets a hard on. His rumpled suit has grease stains and dates from 1975. The girl sitting with him could be his great-granddaughter and she's trying to ignore his hand, which has a way of creeping up her knee.

10. Sting
'Nuff said.