Bro Breakdowns: The Texas Bro
by Ned's Younger B... | Monday, December 21, 2009 at 7:07am | 23 comments - 5104 reads
Editor's Note: This is the latest installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: the Chicago Bro. Up next: the Texas Bro.
It's Friday night and you want to be prepared. There's been a crime wave in town and you really can't be too careful when it comes to your safety. You better fucking believe you're strapping tonight. Sure the "crime wave" was really just you and your bros vandalizing the shit out of the 7-11, but so what? Does that mean you shouldn't be able to exercise the rights of an American citizen? Fuck no. Terrorists are fucking everywhere. Anyways, as you sling your gun in front of the mirror a few times doing your best Travis Bickle impression, your bro finally shows up in his pick-up truck.
As you guys roll down the hill talking about how awesome the West is you finally see the stadium named for some football coach who resigned last year under pressure since he had an effective yet controversial "No Water" policy during training camp. Everyone knows its bullshit he got canned, I mean please, these kids are fucking pansies compared to all the shit you went through back in the day. As you walk up the stands, some old dudes yell your name. You can hear people talking about how you ran for 175 yards and 4 TDs against North. This must be what God feels like. Some girl you gave an abortion back in high school tries to flag you down, but you pretend you don't see her. Why would you waste your time with her? She's tainted goods. You're the Texas bro and it's fucking Friday night.
Perhaps the most defining characteristic about a Texas bro is his love of Texas. Texas bros fucking love yelling out catch phrases about the Lone Star State, such as, "Don't Mess With Texas!", "Remember the Alamo!", or "Hook em Horns!" These phrases are often used the way Davy Crockett would have wanted them -- during beer pong matches.
Texas bros fucking love the fact that everyone thinks that they are cowboys. By coming to the East Coast and rocking the boots, 10-gallon hat, and a belt buckle with the state of Texas on it and the inscription "EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas," Texas bros are able to trick slam pieces into thinking they are a descendant of the Lone Ranger.
So throwback that whiskey, get started on a cut, and sit back to take in these 16-year-old bros-in-training dominate the cross-town rival. It's been a long week waiting for your father's oil fortune trust fund to kick in. Just make sure you let everyone know: Don't mess with the Texas Bro.
Have a Bro in mind that you'd like us to breakdown? Let us know about it via. And don't forget to check out Bros Like This Site.
RELATED:
Comments
matthew mcconaghey as featured texas bro? NYB not sure about this one. after seeing his arrest for playing the bongos naked (crrrazy!) and his dedication to keeping his washboard abs for movies like Failure to launch...id say its tough to give this guy Bro Honors, especially in a state like Texas, a bro kingdom with names such as Willie Nelsonm, Jared Allen, and of course George W.
suspect nyb...suspect
The Texas bro is very territorial and very rarely leaves state lines. They do have an insane amount of hot broads.
for the record, George W is a CT bro, born and raised in the 203. He just adopted the accent because he realized more slam pieces (i.e. voters) like bros who act like idiots from Texas.
W was born in CT raised in Midland TX, a high-level fratty background...wikipedia man, you're better than that.
Scored in the 500s on his SAT verbal, cosistently garnered Gentleman's Cs in his classes, and easily swigged JD as he effortlessly recited all his brothers nicknames while sitting in a bucket of freezing water in the basement of his frat. ill quit while im ahead and forego any political jabs you might recite from an episode of the daily show
Guns up!!!!!!!
the texas bro is just a fancy name for a hick. pick-up trucks? cowboy boots/hats? packing heat wherever they go?
the only bro things to ever come out of texas are the slampieces and dubya
riggins... nuff said
Anonymous, don't you see, it's those very things that make me a BroKing! My pick up truck helps me carry both kegs and kilos of brocaine much easier. My cowboy hat shows that I'm all business; my cowboy boots are the perfect thing to shove up brohater Nancy Pelosi's ass. I pack heat because this is Amurica and I love to hunt and protect myself from those prObama welfare babies. All these things (and my sick bro connections) attract slampieces like my better half Laura and have won the hearts and minds of every citizen in Iraq.
USA! USA! USA!
-W.
ever seen a texas bro pack a fat lip of cope? its a sight to behold
why don't we let these useless fucks secede
Bromeslice you're a tool. I'm no Texan, but Texas has it right. Footballs king, broads are top notch, ad they're the only state in this country not running a deficit. George Bush is the man and probably took protein, and you dont so you can go fuck yourself.
mcconaughey's a pretty big bro. he was in surfer,dude. maybe not texas bro though
he is definitly a half assed texas bro, but a bro none the less....i mean whens the last time u saw him rockin the texas man boots (aka cowboy boots)or spank el kabong with his new shiny spurs?
If you are bangin on texas you should unpop your collar and recognize your place in life. You obviously havent partied in the Lone Star State or banged any of their broads. I party their every chance I get and my buddies from TX are the shit, top notch bros. Im not bold enough to rock the cowboy boots, but Im from the North...thats not my place. East coast broads could take a few tips from TX girls. Rock on Texas Bros. Rock on.
3 words.. dazed and confused.. nuff said
Nobody from Texas ever says "Don't mess with Texas," primarily because we all know it is from a very successful anti-littering campaign, and other than that it really doesn't mean shit here.
Billingsley nuff said
dude, matthew mcconaghey was wooderson (if you dont know what fucking movie im talking about youre not a bro at all). thats as bro as it gets. he probably only does gay movies like failure to launch to get slampieces, which ipretty smart. Also, he was funny as shit in tropic thunder,
"American by birth, Texan by the grace of God"
like.
Texas is the fucking shit and breeds the finest slampieces you've ever seen. if you think otherwise obviously you have NEVER been there. end of story.
Holy fuck.... where to fucking begin with you? NYB-love your shit, but you fucked up my category. You were closer with the "southern bro". Fucking cowboy hats? Are you shitting me? The only reason why any true Texas bro owns a cowboy hat is from that themed date party he went to last semester... as for your comments about highschool football talk, yeah maybe if you’re a fucking "highschool-hero" (AKA major fuckin douche). Yes, it is true that Bros from Texas played Football in highschool rather than LAX (on the majority [for you insecure non-Texas Bros]), but if you attend more than one of your highschool games post graduation… I say hand your fucking bro cards over, black the said fuckin “bro” and place him with the “highschool-heros” (AKA major fuckin douches)…. “You better fucking believe you're strapping tonight.”-NYB… I normally love you man… but do real research next time before looking at the fucking ‘CRIPS’ down the street. Since fucking when does any bro anywhere go out “strapping tonight” or even use the fucking term “strapping tonight” (minus joking with the token black bro). If a Texas BRO (remember we are talking about the BROS not the fucking guys at the rodeo) is fucking “STRAPPING” he is either at the gun range or hunting. This fucking page should be dedicated to the fucking TEXAS HICKS, TEXAS DOUCHEBAGS, or the TEXAS HIGHSCHOOL-HEREOS (AKA major fuckin douches). True Texas BROS sport wrangler, cinch, or Levi (Levi is questionable, but it depends on the bro) jeans. Texas BROS do wear cowboy boots. If he is wearing a cowboy hat he must be either drunk, at a rodeo, or at a country band’s concert anywhere else= not BRO. whatsoever. (keep in mind the cowboy hat is always questionable unless at a cowboy themed date party). Yes everyone from Texas, including bros, loves Texas, and Texas is obviously the best fucking state in the world. BUT if a person from Texas is every heard yelling "Remember the Alamo!" said person is not a BRO. “Don’t mess with Texas” is also very questionable. As for the big belt buckle, these are fucking questionable at best. And if the belt buckle does say “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas” (NYB) this BRO in question is a fucking douche bag, so much worse than a Guido you can’t even compare the two. As for taking pride for being known as cowboys, cowBROS are far different… as I have obviously explained. When its hot outside and the Jean+boot option is an obvious impossibility, see the Southern Bro explanation, it is pretty accurate.
nicely done Bro-Star State. you are exactly right
Post new comment