Introducing the Fantasy Hook-Up League

Junior year of college, three muffs were getting ready to move into an apartment together for senior year. This apartment was a three-bedroom stunner (read: dilapidated campus housing) that was configured so that two of the bedrooms were smaller and shared a bathroom, while the master bedroom was huge and had its own private bathroom to be enjoyed at will by the lucky master bedroom occupant.

The three muffs wondered how to fairly assign bedrooms -- what could possibly merit a large bedroom and private bathroom? We pondered several options, all of them ultimately too lame to work (like GPA, rock paper scissors, etc.). Finally, we determined the best way to decide who got the big bedroom was to have a contest that actually demonstrated who would make the best use of it: a hook-up contest. We drew up rules, assigned point values, and away we went for junior year, putting our single, college-has-no-consequences, doing-some-random-pledge-in-the-laundry-room-of-a-frat-section-suddenly-has-meaning behavior to good actual use (author's note: that last move was for the win).

This story became nothing more than an amusing college anecdote until this year when fall came around and, per usual, all of the muffs' male friends disappeared into what we like to call the fantasy sports black hole. Then suddenly it occurred to us that the rules of some of these fantasy football leagues were sort of similar to our hook-up contest. At which point we wondered, 'Why the hell couldn't you make a fantasy hook-up league?' Who doesn't need a little more fantasy "sports" in their lives, right?

We couldn't hope to account for all of the nuances and rules of such a thing, and frankly we think they should adapt to individual circumstances -- part of the fun of this particular game, sort of like Asshole and Kings and other college card games, is that each school or house or group of friends shapes the rules a little differently. But we figured we'd get it started.

The Rules:

• Get a group of even-numbered guys (or girls, what the hell) together and split evenly in half: one group drafts, the other plays. You can rotate (every two months, every semester, etc.)
• Guys drafting pick 1 player for his team each week.
• The original pick rotation goes in order of the drafter who most recently had sex to least recently, and thereafter rotates in order, with the second pick drafting first the second week, the first pick drafting last, and so on.
• You can't draft the same person two weeks in a row.
• The draft should occur on the same night at the same time each week. We recommend Monday at 8 p.m., but your league manager can set the official day and time. League manager also sets the length of the league season.
• Points are assigned throughout the week for activities completed.
• Any debates about rule specifics (e.g., what constitutes a threesome) should be settled by the league manager. League manager's ruling is final.

  The Scoring:
  The league manager is also in charge of setting activities and point values, however, some suggestions are below:

• Oral: 0.5
• Road head: 1
• Sex: 1
• Sex in public: 2
• Threesome: 3
• Anal sex: 4
• Blue balls: -3
• Passing out before sealing the deal: -2
• Hooking up with someone else's girlfriend: 2
• Hooking up with a cougar (age 40 or older): 4
• Hooking up with an authority figure (professor, boss, etc.) 4
• Hooking up with another player's relative (sister, cousin, mother*): 4
• Lying: -10 points and automatic DQ for both player and drafter for the following week (or, alternatively, public humiliation).

Drafters ARE allowed to help players run up points. Drafters are ALSO allowed to sabotage other players' chances of running up points (i.e. cockblocking). Women involved are allowed to know about the draft at the league manager's discretion.

Play on. But for the love of God, be safe about it. As per usual, we accept no blame or requests for payment to cover the costs of your STD medication.