Top 10 Stupidest Things Girls Like: Part II

Editor's Note: We've partnered up with our friends over at Ultimate Hatelist for a column written by the Haters themselves. Next up: the long-anticipated sequel to the Top 10 Stupidest things Girls Like.

10. Karaoke
There is nothing women love more than shitty 80s music and being the center of attention. Karaoke satisfies both of those primal female needs in addition to providing them with other favorites such as ethnic food and apple martinis. Their inevitable, shitty rendition of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" is more pathetic than the fact that I have to fake an orgasm when I'm on top because my arms get too tired from holding myself up.

9. Yoga
After an exhausting day of working out daddy's credit card and pushing around a cart of groceries at Whole Foods, who has the energy to work out? That's why girls love yoga. They get the opportunity to wear the cute workout clothes they just bought and tell their friends with eating disorders that they're going to the gym, without having to really work out. They just lie and stretch on a mat for a little, kind of like naptime in kindergarten. As my cyber girlfriend would say, if you want to spend an hour rolling around in different positions making weird noises and feeling awkward, you should just have a one-night stand with me; it's pretty much the same thing, but will save you a lot of time; probably about 59 minutes and 25 seconds.

8. Getting Their Fortunes Told
Similar to astrology, women feel the need to believe in something that is bigger than themselves that's not a sports team. That's fine, but psychics? I mean, the word psycho is pretty much in the word already. These characters shouldn't even be in business. However, after being told some completely made-up, fairytale bullshit, women of course continue to come back for more. I just can't help but think, "Why should I pay some old hag good money for some supernatural chicanery coupled with a pair of sagging wrinkled weathered boobs?"

7. Peacocking
In nature, the male peacock attracts the female by displaying their brightly colored feathers. In the singles bar scene of humans, select douchey members of our species, utilizing similar principles, are capable of attracting females with poor taste and little self worth by showing off their Guido Chris Angel attire and Ed Hardy accessories. The only thing actually stupider than peacocking is how well it works on women.

6. Chelsea Handler
By spewing repeatedly unfunny celebrity news, Chelsea Handler dumbs down anyone who watches her show, which is only every woman ever. Additionally, the terrible representation of her gender pretty much cancels out any active feminist effort ever put fourth. Sorry, Sacajawea. It's possible I should be thanking Handler for this, but the fact is, she's probably single handedly set back the female population 50 years, and in two ways at that. Chelsea Handler did to women what "South Park" did to gingers. She did to women what Duane Johnson did to acting. She did to women what Tom Cruise did to himself. She did to women what Sarah Palin did to retarded people. Okay, I think you get the point. And Chelsea, as for your Playboy spread? It doesn't even come close to making up for hours of crap you've gabbed into the airwaves. If you were really sorry you would pose in a porn that has naked women in it. The day that issue hits the stands is the one day I won't be looking forward to nudie magazine day.

5. Throw Pillows
This one is such a slap in the face. Girls friggin love covering their bed with a plethora of pointless and oddly shaped pillows, and yet hate sexy pillow fights. The throw pillow is a bigger waste than that striper aerobics class she took and about as stupid as that flat screen Vizio she doesn't watch in HD, but bought because it looked nice in the wall unit.

4. Romantic Comedies
I'm not sure which aspect of these films is stupider: that women continually pry open their boyfriend's wallets to see these dreadfully repetitive, cliche movies, or the fact that the females of our species cannot distinguish between the movie's depicted fantasy world and their own lives. Women seem to have problems understanding that courting and relationships in the real world are not the same as in the movies. I mean, I didn't try to kidnap my friend's girlfriend after seeing saving Silverman (lie) nor did I continually attempt to do the Jedi mind trick from Star Wars (lie). Either way, because of these movies, men will forever disappoint women and conversely, no woman will ever be satisfied by a man and will probably die alone waiting for Ryan Gosling to build them a house or something. That is unless they turn 30 and start to get desperate because one of their uglier friends got married first.

3. The Kardashians
Embodies every girl's dream of doing nothing and having everything. What's not to like?

2. Candles
In theory, when we came up with the incandescent light bulb, that should have pretty much been the end of the candle. But no. Women have become quite fond of these $50 jars of wax and string. You can probably group them in with carriage rides and handwritten letters as stupid, obsolete conventions that only still exist because women like them. I only keep candles around because such a shitty light source makes the god-awful looking chicks I bring home slightly less unattractive and its scent masks some of the foul odors radiating from their body cavities.

1. Rumors
Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend, Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.

Honorable Mentions: Going to the bathroom together, potpourri, Urban Outfitters, weddings, Nicholas Sparks novels