BroBible Late Night: How to Pick Up a Stripper in 10 Steps (According to a Stripper)

Editor's Note: This is the first installment of a new column by Nina Kaplan. A rising star on the social scene, Nina interns at a celebrity/fashion magazine and moonlights as a stripper at Bump 'n Grind. A web series produced by Direct Arts about Nina and her best friend, artist and fellow stripper Lucy Palermo, is premiering this Spring 2010. Go to WelcomeToTheGrind.com for more information.

So I'm on the stage. And I'm pretending the pole is the hardest, longest, most fuckable vertical dick I've ever seen. I grasp the stiff, shiny shaft, tug myself up, twirl around like I'm in orbit, undulate all over it like an eel in heat, hook my leg around the rigid column, lean over (revealing a suggestive sliver of g-string), and scan the guys.

The rube in the T-shirt is busy with a bored Russian bombshell and could give a shit about a barely clad Asian chick loving up a pole. The slightly balding suit in the middle is having a meaningful one-on-one with his glass of beer. But ah! the suit on the end is looking at me with a hopeful glint in his eye. If he had lashes, he'd be batting them. If he had a tail, it'd be wagging.

I sidle over, position my ass so it is hovering above his face, and shake it like a martini. He waves an Alexander Hamilton like it's a white flag, his eyes boring a hole in my g-string.

"Thanks," I say, turning around and crouching in front of him.

"Where shall I put it?" he leers, as his gaze travels from my crotch to my tits.

And therein lies the rub.

Sex work.

As in sex for the guys and work for the girls.

Now I know most of you are saying to yourselves, "Well, some girls really like it!" But believe me, deep knee-bends on 6-inch heels for 8 hours is WORK. Add all that physical exertion to the mental calisthenics of providing witty, sexy banter ALL NIGHT LONG and the last thing I am interested in while I am stripping is sex.

So I hate to break it to you, but your chances of picking up a stripper are almost nil. There are ways, though, of circumventing the barbed-wire fence surrounding a stripper's heart. Here are 10 steps that will get you to first base with the go-go girl of your dreams:

1. A stripper's favorite color is green
That's right, boys. If you want to get with a stripper, use the other bulge in your pants. And like a stripper friend of mine used to say, a dollar means as much to her as it means to you. Tip her a twenty or buy a dance from her every time there's a lag in the conversation. Before you run out of cash, go home. Remember that your girl makes as much as you do so you better be prepared to show her you got game.

2. Put yourself in her fuck-me pumps
I've never met a stripper who isn't a savvy girl looking for a better life. She's not a bimbo. She isn't there because she's horny. (That's why you're there.) So don't ask her if she wants to suck your dick. No, she doesn't. Set yourself apart from the other guys and find out why she's stripping for tipping.

3. Wet her
Don't ever make a girl ask. Call the cocktail waitress over and get her a drink.

4. Give good oral
Have a hobby or an art or something to talk about besides sex and sports. (This is actually a good idea if you want to pick up ANY girl.)

5. Throbbing muscle
If you have one, your girl has a hundred. Humping a pole all night is hard work! So if you got the juice, take your girl to the Champagne Room and give her a well-deserved rest. Yeah buddy, a rest. Once you've gotten her into seclusion, don't just sink into that vinyl couch and expect her to do all the work. See step 6.

6. Don't hump her, thump her
There isn't one stripper who wouldn't LOVE a massage. Do some homework. Get yourself a book and find out where her pressure points are or go get a professional massage yourself and take notes on what feels good to you.

7. Work the girls
If other strippers dance in front of you, make sure you tip well. But if they want to dance for you or if they sit next to you, politely tell them that you're waiting for your special girl. Strippers gossip in the dressing room and pretty soon, they will all be telling your girl how lucky she is to have snared a big spender like you.

8. Come three or four times
To the strip club, I mean. Decorate her g-string each time and get to know her. Repeat steps 1-7 each time.

9. Pop it
By now your girl looks forward to your visits. She ditches whomever she's with and makes a beeline every time you come. She's ready for you to ask her out. Dinner at a fancy restaurant is a safe bet. Or an activity related to your fascinating hobby/art. She might say no at first. Reassure her that you just want her company. After another drink or another amazing massage, she'll relent.

10. Put it in
Ask her for her number so you can confirm. Realize she has to guard her personal information since a hundred horny guys want her number. Put her in your phone but do it discreetly. The rest is up to you.