Bro Breakdowns: The Chicago Bro
by Ned's Younger B... | Tuesday, December 8, 2009 at 6:59am | 35 comments - 6015 reads
Editor's Note: This is the latest installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: the D.C. Bro. Up next: the Chicago Bro.
It's the bottom of the 7th. Some B-list celebrity just butchered the shit out of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," but you don't really give a fuck. You're 10 beers deep and devoting all your efforts to making this piece of shit, Ryan Braun, cry in left field. You've done all your research and found out his Grandmother just died so you are really letting him have it with that fucking goldmine of information. He keeps acting like he isn't paying attention, but you swear to fucking God you are in his head. After screaming at him for two hours pretty much non-stop you've worked up a sweat. Under normal circumstances you would just have to sit there and be hot, but you look around and think to yourself, "We're in the bleachers -- who gives a fuck?" You pull off your blue Mark Grace throwback jersey to unveil your belly, full of Wieners Circle from late night grubbing, for the entire section to enjoy. Finally you're ready to give the Brewers the abuse they deserve. After arguing with your Bros about what bar you should hit up after the game, you overhear some fucking bro-hater behind you say, "I think he's had enough for a Tuesday afternoon." After you tell them to go fuck themselves, you finally decide where this binge must continue. Who gives a fuck if it's 2 p.m. on a Tuesday; the Cubs are about to win, so you better believe you're going to be celebrating. After all, you're the Chicago bro, and you are about to fucking dominate the North Side.
When people think of Chicago they often immediately think of the cold, the Superfans, or that dumb bitch's cow that set the entire city on fire. What they don't realize is during the summer Chicago is a fucking bro paradise. Where else in the country do you have a major city with a beach literally running through it? Sure, for nine months of the year slam pieces are wrapped up in 20 layers of clothing, but that just makes those summer months that much more amazing.
If you ask anyone from Chicago who their favorite baseball team is and they reply, "The White Sox," rest assured, you are not talking to a Chicago bro. Chicago bros stay fucking true to the Cubbies. They're also the reason why Steve Bartman is scared to ever leave his house. Serves that fucker right. When you ask a Chicago bro what the greatest moment in Cubs history was, you won't receive the expected back to back series titles in '07 and '08 (that would be 1907 and 1908) or even Sammy Sosa's first steroid cycle. Chicago bros all agree that the greatest moment without a doubt was the acquisition of Kosuke Fukudome. Upon hearing he was a Cubbie, Chicago bros everywhere immediately started yelling out "Fuck you, Dome!" while making a gesture as if they are telling a slam piece they want a BJ.
So the next time you're on some family vacation being forced to take a picture in front of that big ass fucking bean and you hear a chant of "Fuck Jay Cutler" following a stellar six-interception performance, you'll know who you're dealing with. After all, everyone in the Second City knows who's really #1 -- the Chicago bros.
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Comments
All hail the Chicago Bro, its about time the midwest got some love
so you pretty much described the stereotypical douchebag Cubs fan. I live in Chicago and from experience there are far more true bros at Blackhawks games. Wiener Circle isn't that good either...check out Gene & Judes or Chubby Wieners.
Bartman doesn't live in Chicago anymore, either.
me and my chicago bros refer to white sox fans as poor people, i would like to also point out that we drink old style
I think it is fair to say that there may be more bros at hawks games, but there is so much tail at Wrigley. It is also safe to say that god himself is envious of the current hawks team.
my personal favorite food stop is Perry's on franklin
Weiner Circle is great... Just never make the mistake of asking for a diet vanilla shake at 3AM.
Hey Rugby Bro, why dont you go fuck yourself and take your cub hating ass back down to the south side you bro hater. Everyone knows that slamming some old styles at noon on a saturday is the most bro shit you can do. Hawks are awesome, but dont knock Da Cubs.
I'd like to see a post on the St.Louis bro now that the Midwest has gotten some recognition on here. Sick of all the East Coast bros thinking that's the only place where bros are
Where do you get your facts? False on the Fukudome praise, he sucks. I'd venture to say May 6, 1998 was the greatest moment for chaying Cubs bros when Kerry Wood struck out 20 ASS-tros and gave us drunks something to drink to
Chicago Bro = best in the midwest
i was surprised nothing was said about the northshore which is pretty much 90% bro
At least the Cubs made the playoffs.............
Actually the cubbies didn't make the playoffs. I don't know how you can say that the only bros in the city of chicago are cubs fans because that's definitely not true. Sox fans get just as fucked up at the games, we just have to bring our token black bro along with us to get us out of the ghetto. Any true chicago bro would know that regardless of which baseball team we root for, we all still all praise devin hester's ridiculous speed, derrick rose's unreal talent, and patrick kane's treatment of cab drivers when he's fucked up. All hail Ditka, Jordan, and Sweetness #34.
Yo southsidebro I was being sarcastic chief
oh my bad. i just dont agree with this guy's article
What about the Detroit bro?
I hope there's an Upstate NY breakdown in the works
^lmao
by upstate you better mean the bestchester or else your comment makes no sense
Nah bro The Cuse is filled with tons of legit bros
Dennis BROdman- I live in Winnetka. I love the Cubs, but I'd rather go to a bar with my bros and down pitchers than go to a game and be surrounded by the toolbags that inhabit Wrigley. To each his own I guess. The northshore is most definitely bro as shit, too.
Nice to see some Chicago love. But NYB you gotta mention taking BP in the cages at Sluggers and showing off your D1 baseball skills to the slampieces
Ya you can't talk about a Chicago bro without at least giving mention to the north shore
I am sorry, but after reading that analysis of a "Chicago Bro" I can only believe that they are not chill nor bro. Please keep it east coast breakdowns from now on.
Chicago is ok But MPLS runs the Midwest
Great to see a little love for the heart of America, the Midwest. Chicago is a summertime mecca. A lot of people from the wealthy areas in metro Detroit (bloomfield birmingham and grosse pointe) move to Chicago post-undergrad...and then proceed to watch the wings beat the shit out of the hawks.
A little Detroit love would be great on this site. When people think Detroit they think shithole. Not true. We just segregated all the brohaters (aka homeless and welfare babies) on the other side of 8 mile. Detroits one of the most segregated cities in the country, and that's great, because while they're all struggling, we can go to one of numerous yacht clubs a mere 10 minutes away. Detroit bros fucking love sailing. They also love going up north. Up north is the upper half of the lower peninsula. The U.P. sucks dick aside from hunting trips. Everyone and their fucking mother has a cabin up north, where they go with a pack of bras, a bag of weed, and enough kegs to get john belushi slighty buzzed.
Hockeytown, USA fuckers.
north siders are fuckin gays
Valid points about michigan's up north. The U.P. (upper penisula) I think is fucking great because of lake superior, but up north (top half of the lower penisula) absolutely takes the UP to school. I'm up near where the ring finger is (yeah michiganders say where they live by pointing to their hand. Weird to out of towners but it's ridiculously helpful) prepping to boom all day tomorrow on christmas.
Sailing is so great when it's warm. I'd never compare the great lakes to the ocean, but honestly lake michigan is exactly like the ocean except a little calmer. That's actually where they filmed American pie 2, fun fact. Other things to do in this state (for all of us who's parents were smart enough not to be a man on the assemblyline ): Making fun of the ridiculous segregation, pretend to be eminem, watch the lions not win a game but tailgate via hottub anyways, go to one of the 3 casinos plus one more in Windsor, and of course watch the greatest pro sports team in america, the Detroit fucking Red Wings. Most playoff appearance in a row, 4 cups in 11 years, the lakers and yankees can both gargle gene upshaw's cancered prostate.
Just read this article. Extremely legit. I'm a Cubs fan, but I've been known to hit up The Cell when the Cubs are on the road. I also love getting shit faced at Bernie's or Murphy's with my South Side bros during the Crosstown Classic. The point is that Chicago is the bro capital of the Midwest, probably the nation. Let's not start a Chicago bro civil war over baseball until there is a crosstown World Series. I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to go get day drunk in Wicker Park and make fun of some hipsters...
Just read this epic work of art. I am from north suburbs of chi town. You cannot get more bro than there. Slaying rich dads daughters is legit. This article obviously was meant to play on one of the most hated rivals cubs vs sox. Alougth this is 100 percent true. True bros are able to get past this hence me and my number 1 bro (a sox season ticket hold) and me (cubs season ticket holder). I have come to this conclusion. Cubs have the hotter fans and local scene , wrigleyville. While the cell has tailgating. Anyone Chicago bro knows that epic volumns would need to written to encompass everything bro on Chicago. However Chicago bros are a true step ahead of midwest bro wanna bed.
Michigan is as gay or more gay than liberaci's anal beads - the UP is only good for snowmobiling
St. Louis is the worst city in the union - east st louis point in case
People in Wi refer to Chicago bros as FIBS cause they are jealous.
As I said before any true bro knows that much more is bro about chi town than what has been listed above. Murphy's is the shit after/before cubbies games... Duck the white sox
Bro. couldn't agree more with you great writings. however Fukudome is horrible. he batted .100 in the postseason in'08 and .137 with runners in scoring position all season. Fuck Fukudome!
NYB, another work of brilliance. However you did not address where the Chicago Bros actually come from; the North Shore. The North Shore is an absolute hotbed of midwest brohood. Places like Winnetka, Kenilworth, Lake Forest, Glenview and Northbrook just churn out some serious bros. North Shore bros dominate in lax as well as golf and tennis. These bros once they hit college can be found slaying the ridiculous slampieces that Wrigleyville has to offer.
Chicago is definitely the only place in the mid-west to produce mass quantities of bros. Gotta love the place.
IHSV
being a wrigleyville tool doesn't mean you're a bro... retarded article
Vince Vaughn is a Chicago (north shore) Bro and I think we can all agree Vince is Bro as fuck! He's like the damn poster child for Bro-ness with his mad Bro-skills. He's all about rollin deep with his boys and nailin' slampieces. Chicago doesn't get any more Bro than Vince Vaughn and Vince is one of the most Bro dudes out there.
St. Louis is bro as fuck. Yes, East STL is the worst crime area in the nation and just littered with niggers. But thats actually in Illinois retard. Come out to the sububrs in STL and its bros galore.
Sorry, no. Saint Louis is the least bro town in America. As soon as you leave the hood you're either in hipster paradise or surrounded by bumpkin illiterates that run puppy mills while they're waiting for their meth to cook. YEAH NASCAR IS BRO!! Even Guidos said fuck it and left. The only bros you'll find in St Louis are the ones hungover as fuck that got off at the wrong amtrak station on their way back to Chicago
For everyone giving the STL shit,
First of all, you need to go to a Cards game and/or a Blues game before saying anything. Best fans in the nation. The retard who suggested that east st. louis is actually part of STL must not realize that it is simply an area where we have dumped our crackheads and strip clubs. You get mad bro-cred for takin your dad's BMW to the east side for a night of wavin money at strippers and not getting carjacked. I have yet to meet a St. Louisan who can stand, let alone enjoy NASCAR. I'll admit that the Loop is full of hipsters, it is truly a shame, but go to a house party in South City or West Co. I must warn you though, these functions are not for you posers out there. Those fuckers will drink you under the table. And if you still wanna hate on St. louis, then stop drinking our beer, see if you can live without that.
Saint Louis.... Isn't that one of the smaller suburbs of Chicago?
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