College Chick Breakdowns: The Girls of the University of Miami

Note from Waffles: This is a new, reoccurring piece that sets out to explore all different types of chicks that one might encounter at a certain institution of higher learning. So if you want to talk about the girls at your school or alma mater, email me at wafflesmcbutter@brobible.com and we can make beautiful music together. If you are still in high school, use and abuse this to pick a fantastic college or university for you and your genitalia to matriculate. Just don't ask me to write about chicks at your school, I don't need any lawsuits. First up, my alma mater: The University of Miami (The U or UM).

Nestled in the heart of Coral Gables, Florida, the University of Miami is home to many prestigious academic and athletic programs. From the field to the classroom, The U has a lot to offer its current students and its incoming freshman. But academia, athletics, or anything involving the betterment of society is not why I attended Miami. Like most able-cocked young gents, I didn't give a shit about prestige; I went to school there because on my initial visit I saw a bevy of hot chicks all wearing next to nothing, and to an impressionable young man that was really all the convincing I needed.

According to College Prowler, the girls at the University of Miami are grade-A beef, while the men only received a grade of B . This decline for the men probably occurred at the exact moment I snatched my diploma from Donna Shalala's little lesbian troll hands. But men are not under my intense scrutiny here, so let's move along.

The broads at UM are unique in that most usually come from privileged walks of life. Miami is one of the most expensive schools in the country, so unless a chick is on scholarship you can assume her daddy's pockets are deeper than Jenna Jameson's vaginal socket. Girls represent the majority of the student body (by a narrow margin) and they come from all ends of the earth and all parts of the country -- it's like an endless swatch of diversity for you and your erect phallic to choose from. On top of all that, if you are looking for a college experience where promiscuity is the norm, the females at University of Miami can certainly help to fulfill all your carnivorous needs.

When analyzing the female population at Miami, one must break down the types of chicks into different segments: sorority girls, independents, foreigners, locals, athletes, and ugly loners. For the sake of this article -- much like in real life -- we can just pretend that the ugly loners don't exist. Also, female athletes at UM pretty much fit the same stereotype as they do at most colleges, so I won't waste anyone's time on that topic. I will say this, though: we had a chick volleyball player who had to be the accidental offspring of a horse porno gone wrong. She had a face like a thoroughbred and she didn't run, she galloped.

Sorority Girls
Sorority life at Miami is fuckin' weak. Its mediocrity can most likely be attributed to Miami being a private school with roughly 10,000 undergrads with an abundance of foreigners who attend the school and have no real interest in Greek life. But to be blatantly honest, Greek life at UM, in general, is sub-par. Out of about 10 sororities, there are only two or three with quality girls that I could even stomach looking at. The girls who happen to be in the notoriously hot sororities either love frats or they loath them. Most of the girls in sororities are pretty chill and can hang for a few minutes when it comes to crushing brews, but Miami definitely has its fair share of cunts who think they are God's gift to humanity and would literally eat their own shit, no questions asked.

Independents
Easily my favorite type of chick that Miami has to offer, this segment of women encompasses most of the chicks on campus that are not from Miami, in a sorority, or come from foreign soil. We already weeded out the homely broads, so I am not going to sit here and poke fun at their grotesque appearance. I'm above that (total lie). Anyway, these chicks are usually self-confident, sexy, and for the most part, normal. They can stand on their own and don't need to pay for friendship or surround themselves with the cattiness that sororities have to offer -- that doesn't mean that they detest frats or Bros, though.

Since they are not affiliated with any organization, this makes them a very attractive breed because while plowing through half the twats in a sorority might be a fantastic time, it could get you blacklisted as an asshole who will fuck anything with a pulse and a semi-moist gash. When I was at The U, I found it wise for a Bro -- if he was into relationships and monogamy -- to only seriously date independents, because after a few semesters, a true cock slinger will certainly develop a playboy reputation within the Greek community.

Foreigners
The University of Miami represents an absurd amount of cultures and countries, and when I went there we even had a legitimate princess in our student body. I cannot recall what country she hailed from -- probably because she was about as attractive as my loose stool after a bowl of my mother's succulent chili -- but she had a limo take her to and from class, and that, I suppose, is pretty sick.

The shit-faced princess notwithstanding, Miami's multi-cultural student body is one of the most attractive in the country. Women from all over the world (especially Europe) came to Miami, and with good reason; South Beach and all the euro-trash that pollute it is about as close to home as a foreigner can get. Plus, if you are going to experience America, you don't want to be in fucking Wisconsin freezing your areolas off; you want to be in a social and cultural hotbed. No offense to any Badgers out there.

Locals/Commuters/Cubanos
Because of Miami's blockbuster tuition, most people who grew up in Miami and decided to stay for college attended school at neighboring FIU (Florida International University). The local girls who could afford to and did go to the U, however, were usually the hottest asses in each class. Sadly, having these girls in your class is akin to walking the streets of NYC in daylight; you see all these 10s everywhere you turn during the day but then when you go out at night you encounter 12 pigs for every babe. It baffled me when I went to school there why these girls disappeared after class; now living in NYC, this is something that sickens me to no foreseeable end.

So there you have it, gents, if you want to find an extremely hot (and at times loose), wealthy broad, who is likely as shallow as a coffee mug, and yearns for all that is superficial, then hit the campus at the U. You and your ramrod won't leave disappointed.

Here is how the girls at UM stack up in certain areas:

Hottness: A+
Willingness to fuck (DTF): B+
Daddy's bank roll: A
Alcohol Consumption: B
Intelligence: C+
Chillness: B
Interest in Athletics: B+
Maintenance Level: C-
Prevalence of Fake Tits: A+
Overall Grade: A-