Bro Breakdowns: The D.C. Bro
by Ned's Younger B... | Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 6:54am | 52 comments - 6589 reads
Editor's Note: This is the latest installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: the Main Line Bro. Up next: the D.C. Bro.
Its Friday night. After a long week of battling hangovers from Happy Hours that turn into all night booze fests without any dinner, its finally time to kick back and relax. Obviously youre a bro, so you better fucking believe that you are heading out on the town. Still dressed in your tie and sport coat from work, you and your bros grab some Five Guys. After debating for an hour about where you should go tonight, you somehow come to the conclusion that Mary Kate is the hotter Olsen twin. After everyone slowly nods their head as if to say, "Our work here is done," you get back on topic and your bros throw out the usual suspects including Arlington, Adams Morgan, and Midtown. But, seriously, who the fuck are you kidding? There is only one place where you can truly shine: Georgetown.
As you make your way down M Street passing Urban Outfitters, Old Glory, and Ralph Lauren, you know you are home. You pop your sports coat collar and get into line at Smith Point, one of the few non-clubs that actually has an entry list. The bouncer asks if you and your bros are on the list. Before he even has a chance to finish you scream out, "You better fucking believe it." After all, youre the D.C. Bro, and you are the fucking shit.
D.C. is an interesting city because a random person on the street (homeless not included because they obviously shouldnt be considered "people") where they're from, 9 out of 10 people living there will tell you theyre from somewhere else. Theyll usually then break into a longwinded story about how they came to live in D.C. Its advisable to just tune this shit out since they arent talking about you, and therefore its pointless and boring as shit. D.C. bros come from all over the country and love talking about how much better their hometown is than "this fucking swamp."
Although D.C. has one of the best public transportation systems in the country, D.C. bros hate taking the fucking metro. Thats because its for poor people. D.C. bros also claim they would rather fucking die than ever set foot on a bus whose name doesnt include the words "keg" or "charter."
D.C. bros spent their bro training years in the Ivy or Patriot Leagues or locally at Georgetown or UVA. No matter where they spent their formative years, all D.C. Bros learned the most important lesson any bro can hope to obtain: "I am better than you."
Sure you may make only 30K working on Capitol Hill. Sure your apartment in Arlington may be the size of a shoebox and cost you a paycheck every month. Whatever -- if people try to question you just remind them who your father is. If that doesnt work, just drop the name of some shitty Congressman that you got wasted with one night or tell people that Obama gave you a fist pound once. Dont have a name to drop? Make that shit up. How the fuck are they going to prove you wrong? The point is, youre the D.C. bro and you know you are the shit. You better be -- after all youre living in D.C., the Capital of the Bro World.
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Comments
well said Brody Noochie, i spend a shitload of time in DC and the guys you describe are the fucking creeps who hit up the strip clubs in dupont because they're too fucking pathetic to get any real ass.
How far superior does the Georgetown Bro feel than the rest of DC?
A-Town Alexandria stand up!!!
wait, wait, wait. let me get this straight: you're talking about DC bros now?
dude, this website has its priorities out of order. main line bros? are you fucking serious? every kid who i've met from haverford or shipley is the biggest fucking fag on the planet. now we're talking about DC, which is sick, except for the fact that the bro breakdowns now sound all completely the same. formula: discussion of girls or other things bros like, followed by generic bro arrogant comment, followed by local reference. there are a lot of legit kids who've come out of albans' and gonzaga, but the DC culture might as well be identical to the shit going down in b-more.
the jersey bro? really? have you been to jersey in the last decade? short of princeton and a small section of jersey stretching from alpine to morristown the entire state is a shithole. it's so boring that you even had to reference how jersey kids have to chill in manhattan. no shit, jersey sucks (exclude yourself if you're in princeton or the area i mentioned) so its not a shock that they'd chill there.
seriously, let's get our crap together here. what about fairfield county or westchester? when are we going to hear about the NY bro heartland of long island? i'm not even from these regions but they make more sense than discussing jersey or the fucking main line.
laxplaya - I really hope your comment was a joke. I'm assuming you are from CT which explains that you are self-righteous and boring as shit. First of all, New Jersey is by far the best state, let alone best bro state, on the entire planet. It has everything you could consider great bro qualities. The best sports teams (beven yes your jersey lax is better than your ct lax, better sporting and drinking events (Giants, Jets, the HUNT, the Devils), best natural attractions that offer extreme sports and party (beaches with great surf and even skiing at Mountain Creek where Shaun White came from) and great towns that party hard (anywhere near Princeton, everywhere west of NYC minus Hoboken). I'm not saying Fairfield or Westchester aren't bro towns because they are among the most bro, but NJ is by far the #1 state.
The official top 5 bro rankings are:
1. Jersey Bro
2. Fairfield Bro
3. Main Line Bro
4. Westchester Bro
5. Baltimore Bro
.
.
.
8. Long island bro (sucks)
dc bros r the best bros. go gonzaga! eagles fly high!
dude r u joking? every one hates everyone from jersey and you cannot deny that. who is hated more than jersey trash... nadda. DC bros and Montgomery County bros are the elite. u wish u could get within 20ft of the slampieces that i regularly have my way with but nah they wont even look at you cuz ur trash son.
Apologies cant ban the snowman, let me update the official list:
1. Jersey Bro
2. Fairfield Bro
3. Main Line Bro
4. Westchester Bro
5. Baltimore Bro
.
.
8. Long island bro (sucks)
.
.
.
.
.
30. DC Bros (every girl in the DC area is looking for bros higher on the list to either get them out of there or make their lives a little less godamn boring)
MOCO What Up?
let's gp dc, show em whos boss!
the HUNT sucks. its a weak preakness minus the gambling. kids right about jersey, there are only a few chay spots, the rest sucks.
VT bros for life.
moco get some
hello - here's the problem with your analysis... I'm not from ct, i'm actually from ny. if you want to bash ct lax (which is stupid, because your sole powerhouse is fucking delbarton which is full of dudes), you should probably take a look at brunswick, taft, kent and a shit ton of other legit schools. ct is also great because it doesn't have guidos, unlike your state where the rivers flow with axe body spray.
"better sporting and drinking events (Giants, Jets, the HUNT, the Devils)"
also, let me point out the fucking obvious: the first two are NY teams which just have their HQ's in jersey because... common... why would we put a stadium in NY when we can put it in NJ on cheap land and keep all the white trash, garbage, and bro-haters over there. yeah man, jersey's real sweet - i always love it when i drive past elizabeth and newark. the only reason i go to jersey is to take a piss on my way to legit places or to get cheap gas.
fairfield and westchester aren't towns, they're counties. yes, fairfield is technically a town but obviously when i group them together i'm talking about the county rather than the municipality. bros are smart as shit. you are not smart. therefore, you are not a bro.
you also clearly haven't seen st albans kids, gonzaga or monty kids throw the fuck down. they bro out hard. all i'm sayin is that maybe NYB should have covered some more traditional areas first; sorta lost the faith after the main line.
Bros this has gone a bit off topic. DC is the shit and the DC Bro pisses excelence and is obviously the shit. But I must say the G'town Bro has been misrepresented, popped collers aren't our jam, its about sleeveless T's, bud ice, any excuse to get on the roof and most importantly AMURICAH. the G'town chapter of the American Brociety would like to let you know that Rugby, lax and watching people play basketball are all sexcellent, but what the DC bro does a little different is the gratuitous repping of the fuckin' best country in the world. wearing an american flag speedo in december, having a bonding moment with your bros at the vietnam memorial, and running to the white house cuz your fuckin' awesome are what the DC bro does. Respect.
Hang out the Village in Potomac, Md....There you will find Bros galore
The Moco Bro is a Rich Bro.
Having unlimited money to Bro out is nice....
sounds just like the main line bro all this shit sounds the same. And were the fuck is the Fairfield/Westchester Bro?? How the fuck does the NJ and DC bro come before that?
and HELLO laxplaya is right, excluding Princeton and alpine, morristown etc, NJ blows.
Georgetown? You kidding me? All the bros in DC are at GW hands down. Georgetown's all about popped collars and lax wannabes. If you wanna see the DC Bro's go to GW and you'll be pleasantly surprised
I don't see any issue with the order. Fairfield/Westchester will obviously come. The order is pretty clearly at random. As for the Jersey Bro, Jersey should be divided into two areas, the North/Central Jersey Bro and South Jersey which is a complete shithole and filled with guidos. Noone from NJ is denying that. But lets at least respect the fact that there are shithole areas of every state and bros tend to be originate from certain "hot beds", so far DC is a specific area as is the Main Line where as Jersey was grouped together as an entire state when it clearly should have been North/Central Jersey Bro (fuck the shore and south jersey guidos). And whoever had the knock on Jersey bros going into Manhattan to chill, obviously, is that a joke? The reason for this: we all live in North Jersey, commuting distance to the city, where our dads were/are execs. Not to mention most of us are rich as shit and have apartments in the city. Let Jersey live. As for the Westchester/Fairfield county bro, your time will come.
I disagree with the bit about popping collars. Popped collars are for public school kids and posers. How can you fail to mention that DC/Montgomery county is the home of high school lacrosse powerhouses Landon and Georgetown Prep. These two teams combined to win four national championships in the past decade. Also, St.Albans is full of homos. Theres nothing bro about jerking each other off during school hours.
So true about the split between Jersey. I would say there are more BRO towns in Jersey than any other state. And everyone knows New Jersey has the best high school sports in the east coast. Top 5 in the country.
the DC bro is much more from montgomery county and the surrounding suburbs than actually from DC. this post is all about recent college graduates not from DC, which is completely false. This bro breakdown gets a thumbs down. The only thing that was really true was the five guys thing. At least do a separate breakdown for the MoCo Bro
DC suburbs (montgomery county) and baltimore started the bro and we have the best laxers in the country..get out of here jersey
Ned's posts are for entertainment man.. write your own about your own town if you think it's that far off.
BrO'Reilly - SOUTH jersey guidos? I only find them above central NJ
DC is the fuckin tits, i can't wait to join in on the party in a few months.. never a bad time out anywhere in DC. and the Metro? best pub trans on the east coast. for all of my fellow bros who weren't born into a loaded family trust, the Metro is the best way to go anywhere in DC and runs til after the bars close, so clutch... fuck a taxi
paul allen, lay off st. albans just remember who has more IAC championships in the last 4 years
also i think its fair to group the actual city of dc and the surrounding area as dc becuase moco and fairfax are just continuations of the main city
I think its pretty heard to dispute the fact that the Shore and South Jersey is a guido mecca e.g. MTV show "The Jersey Shore"
I think its pretty heard to dispute the fact that the Shore and South Jersey is a guido mecca e.g. MTV show "The Jersey Shore"
I gotta go with laxplaya on this one, Bros. I think this format the last few weeks has been generic. I am sure every Bro and every Bro region will have its time to shine, but this seems pretty boiler plate and less original than Surfer Brah and some of the other originals. Of course the downturn started with Kersey Bro, but what can you expect from such a shit pile state (Princeton, etc excluded of course).
I'm a Westchester bro, and agree a true Brofile on my Bro's is necessary. But if it turned out like Main Line or DC Bro, I probably wouldn't forward on to my Bro's for a good laugh and to spark memories of the good old days crushing it between the Hudson River and the Long Island Sound.
these posts make everyone seem like arrogant dicks, if NYB knew shit about DC and its surroundings this post will be alot different
301 what up
forreal, this is what this latest post sounds like.:
http://www.georgetownheckler.com/collar.html
nyb - much respect though, great site. common dude, just lets see some quality shit like we're used to and enough with this jersey style bullshit.
im a Nova bro and im not gonna bash any other bros... all bros should be treated equally GIVEN the fact they are actually bros and not brosers...
but i would like to throw this in the ring and ask 'what about the west coast?' i feel like that would be a haven for bros. Not even necessarily the west coast but just the rest of the country in general, not just bros from cities in the east
The "DC Bro" described by NYB was no bro at all. He's confusing people actually from DC with people who move there to do gay-ass shit like work on Capitol Hill or a liberal think tank after college. Most of them are from the south or some small town and are the anti-bros from their colleges and universities and DC/NOVA/MoCo natives hate them. The only good thing about the weird post-college southern migration to DC is the dumb SEC Slam Pieces that flock to the city for true DC bros to take advantage of.
Most actual DC area bros move to places like NYC and beast wall street or something similar before moving back if at all. And the only reason you move back is to send your son to your alma mater, GPrep, Landon, Gonzaga etc. to watch him blossom into the street beast you already are and be an elite laxer. DC bros would never let their kids go to some second rate lax school in CT for instance. If you did stay in DC after college it's because your dad is rich as shit and is grooming you to take over his business like a car Dealership or something.
Because we are high school and college lax legends and absolutely crushed it, when we return for a visit or the holiday's we tear the town up at places like Smith Point, Old Glory, Rugby, 3rd Edition and now George etc where our more degenerate friends who still live in DC usually bartend or bounce and hook us up. The "list" bar is a list bar to keep faggy out of town bro-haters from infiltrating our domain, because at first sight, they may resemble one of us, but they certainly are not. Popped collars? give me break. We'd dump a beer on your head then knock you out if you showed up to one of our bars like that posing as a DC bro.
Whoever said Baltimore, MD, DC bros created Brociety is pretty much correct. We own lax, hot slam pieces, did and still do whatever the fuck we want and know we are better than everyone. At least NYB got that part right.
As a region it doesn't get any better. While there are slight differences from the DC area Bro and Balt. bro, the two areas pretty much connect and create a hotbed for absolutele bro kings. There certainly are bros from our mold living in other areas. Some from Jersey, Mainline, NY area. There are even some New England bros that fit the Brofile. But to try and contend that as a whole area "New Jersey" or "Mainline" is bro at all couldn't be further from true. DC/Nova/MD constantly make fun of Jersey Guidos, Philly Guidos, and Long Island Guidos. To us those areas are pretty much all the same as general rule because they are full of guidos with ridiculous fake tans and horrible accents. Notice a true DC bro has no accent. If one claims to be a DC bro and has some sort of accent, weather southern or otherwise, they are an imposter. we hate accents and make fun of people with them constantly
And for Westchester and CT, while there are certainly bros among you, those areas are widely considered gay as shit and schools like Brunswick are commonly considered jokes by us.
I'm not trying to hate on bros, because there plenty or you from other areas, i even know bros who hail from california, but they will not defend SoCal as an area as a bro breeding ground. That's essentially what anyone of you from non DC and Baltimore are trying to. Just accept that where you are from is inferior and that you are lucky enough to make it out of there with your friends as not either complete boarding school closet fags or guidos. By the way the only reason to go to boarding school is to PG and get into a school for Lax or Hockey, otherwise it's just gay.
just throwin this out there to better the argument for the Nova/DC/Moco area... we have both Alex Ovechkin AND Nicklas Backstrom... both Bro Kings and Flow Kings
NYB,
I read your site religously bro, but I have to say I was completely let down by this post. The DC bro has nothing to do with a bunch of faggot from
some ivy league school who think they can bro out with us locals simply by going to some Georgetown bar. No sir...
The DC bro is all about the areas elite private schools, dominate in sports such as lax basketball and football, the bros that emerge from these schools are unmatched. The cream
of the bro crop usually ends up back in DC because their important fathers have sick government connections. Being a DC bro is all about being a die hard skins, caps, wiz, and gtown or UMD basketball.
Coming home for break usually entails getting together with all my high school bros at someones mansion in Potomac, getting shit housed off their parents top shelf liquor, laughing at all the slampieces from high school that got fat, shooting the shit about how sick gtown bball is gonna be and planning ways to convince on of our wealthiest bros to try and buy the redskins from that fuck dan snyder.
Hittin the bars in Georgetown is a must , but when we do we roll deep as hell and clearly dominate the pretentious fucks that think since they spent 40 hours a week in the Princeton library they can just waltz into thirds and expect not to get tooled.
Anyway I'm done with this diatribe but I would like to again express my disappointment with the egregious classification of the DC bro. The original Potomac/DC bro is a different animal, enough said.
Hail,
brovechkin
Five Guys fucking rocks.
Well said, Brovechkin. And Five Guys does rock.
301 what up
I am skeptical of the validity that CT lax and schools are jokes compared to their DC counterparts....they are not second rate.
BROmerica I couldn't of said it better myself
631 eastern long island bro represent
You can't forget about Tombs when talking about the Georgetown bar scene. I acknowledge that it can be lame as shit, but some of my best nights with my bros start there with about three $8 pitchers of busch light.
bra the 808 bros from h twon honolulu are the best, none compare
when are we going to get the real bros discussed? Texas bros, Georgia bros, carolina bros? what we lack in Lax, we make up for in class and fine women.
NYB and bros,
the description of DC bros are very accurate and deserved. that being said I go along with previous commenters in questioning this bro list thus far.
The majority of bros in this great country spent their younger years taming slampieces in LI/Westchester, Fairfield, montgomery/NOVA, pocket towns in the Masshole waste dump, or Princeton.
California has no bro cred at all as a whole. Anyone from LA is a hipster hence the ultimate anti-bro and the few legit bros ive met from california were from norcal but did nothing to claim CA was a bro state at all. I question surfing as a bro sport and see it as a waste of time from railing tanned beach bum slampieces.
Jersey for the most part is a total joke. All the hoboken and jersey bros are young professionals taking names in the city that have migrated to bro-pads in those cities after tearing shit up in college and prep school not in jersey. The princeton area has some bro cred but the vast majority of the state is full of guidos who played lax only because they were cockstraps on don bosco and seton hall prep football teams (no disrespect to the fb teams but some fucking losers play there).
I think its time for a post on the LI bro.
Long Island gets some negative press for people often mistaken queens queerfag guidos to be from LI when in fact they only try to role up to LI bars to be turned down by slampieces and do jaeger bombs on the LIE back to bayside. In most upper middle class towns in LI everyones father is a stockbroker or some other important business position in the city. LI has solid LAX programs (Manhasset, St.Anthonys, West Islip) as well as an overall respect for the sport from a young age all over the island. Most bros who grow up on long island go on to roll through slampieces and bros schools all over the nation before returning to Bro cities like NYC or DC to run shit.
Its time for a LI bro post
Im a bro from MD and i cant tell you with a straight face that no other areas can even amount to the tri-state area (MD, DC,VA). WE are the 3 richest areas in the national, MD ranked wealthiest. The best lax players are born and breed here (more so in MD then DC or VA). the only reason you other areas even have a half way good program or team is because your schools on to MD/DC and snatch up all of our high schoolers. Oh and im sorry but the hottest slam pieces are from here.
I dont care where you came from in jersey, the fact that your from the shit hole guido or not is bad enough.
And NYC dont run anything. NYC like LA is fulled with hipsters. NYC is the LA of the east
Arlington? As in, Northern Virginia? SO LAME.
Wow, this is some scary stuff. Bros seek strength in numbers, live in the glory days of the past, do nothing for others, and degrade women. It says volumes about their so called prestigious schools, their dysfunctional families, their insecurities, their lame work ethic, and their fear of growing into a man. Give me a school kid who actually worked his summers who is unafraid to go to a bar with a small group of friends and who is a little bit worried about his fellow man and finding a career, and I will show you a Brother worth having. The sooner you stop wallowing in your lame secluded HS pasts, the sooner you will learn that nobody gives at rats ass but you and your "Bros"..... Sorry, but you still have time, let me know if you are man enough.
You've got to be fucking kidding me Brotherapist...you go bust one out to your image in the mirror after that holier than though crap you posted? It's hard for me to follow exactly where your issue lies because you write with the proficiency of an 8th grader, but it seems like you might want to have your way with a school boy? You want people to let you know if they're man enough to be what? Your friend on the internet?
North Shore Long Island Bro has been long overdue. I shouldn't need to explain why. Also missing the creativity that was shown in earlier posts
PS George W. Bro West Islip is most definitely not bro even if great at lax they are a working class community=not bro. Also Manhasset, while very talented, is a shadow of a decidedly more bro lax town. That one that Billy Joel named an album after.
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