From A-Z, the Peculiar Things That I Am Thankful For
by Waffles McButter | November 25, 2009 - 6:31am | 10 comments - 24 reads"You're out of toilet paper but your counter is full of supplements. You don't eat out, but there's 40 pounds of chicken in the fridge. Your rent is always past due, but your gym dues are paid on time, every time. This is dedication. This is Animal. Can you handle it?" --Maya Angelou (I might be mistaken, but I think this is an excerpt from "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings") BroBible Even though my office has banned BroBible due to my abuse, without the Bible I would likely be the aforementioned terminally ill orphan pedaling my soft hands on the cocks of affluent business men -- with sick hobo fetishes -- for packs of smokes and meatball subs. Chimp Attacks on Other People Call me insensitive; go ahead, I can take it. But fuck you if you aren't thinking the exact same thing. And if you aren't, I will gladly lay down the cold hard cash for you to get maimed. I'll even hire a silverback fucking gorilla to do it and I'll be so generous as to buy you the veil to wear for the rest of your miserable life. Prick. Day Drinking Day drinking, or chaying as some like to call it, is the perfect way to kick off your day and get you so obliterated that you wind up kicking a pigeon at night. True story, on January 1, 2009, I was so slammed from boozing all day that I literally kicked and killed a pigeon. PETA, I apologize. But not really. Escalators Even went I want to take the stairs, I rarely want to walk the full flight. And my idea of a fine time isn't standing in a moving box within close proximity to 10 other people. Thanks to the escalator, I can be the semi-lazy, anti-social prick my parents envisioned me to be. Free Porn This will be on my list for the rest of my life or at least until some dickbag in Congress passes a bill to regulate the distribution of it. Global Warming I say fuck the ice caps. When they melt I'm pretty confident nothing catastrophic will happen. Sure I could not root for a global meltdown and simply move to a warmer climate but I love a good underdog story and thanks to our abuse and negligence, I will someday have my endless summer. Homeless People Someone has to be poor and I'm damn sure thankful it's not me. "No, I won't give you my spare change, can't you see that I'm a fucking Republican?!?!" Ignorance Because without it, I might actually give a shit. John Clayton What a fuckin' eye sore, but boy is he a wealth of football knowledge. KY Jelly Sometimes you just don't have enough saliva to effectively lube her anus. Lubriderm I'm specifically thankful for the bottle that sits on my bed-side table. It's a real delight on those nights when my hands are too calloused from doing manly things to whack the jelly dry. Modern (Sexual) Medicine AIDS and herpes vaccines on the horizon, less complicated/painful STD tests (see: Q-tip insertion gonorrhea test), and the morning after pill at most pharmacies: The world is headed in the right direction. Numerical Lists At this point I am unsure if I am thankful for these or cursed by them. I'll get back to you. Obama, Barack Obama I owe him a great debt for giving me someone to hate for the next four years. Plan B Because using a hanger or throwing her down a flight of stairs is beginning to get a tad barbaric. (To all you uptight cunts, this is obviously a joke. I repeat, you are uptight cunts.) Questions from the Brommunity You keep me on my toes with your sometimes outrageous but always interesting inquires about sex, all things bro, more sex, relationships and deep-penetrating anal sex. Random Broads Or as I like to call them, "disposable vaginas." Shore Houses Binge drinking, drunken citations, public urination, one-night stands, countless blackouts, lewd and indecent acts against my fellow man, and not one ounce of regret for any of it. Without these places of weekend refuge, our summers would be much more mundane. Tits Big floppy tits or little tiny ones, Tits all alone or on sesame-seed buns. Tits with blue veins, or tits with huge nips, Tits that can dance, and tits that do flips. Tits in 2009 are what I'm so thankful for, Tits attached to the body of a dick loving whore! --Henry David Thoreau Unthought Known Great Pearl Jam song. That's really all I have to say. Vaginal Restoration Surgery No more encounters with vaginas that resemble mud flaps. If that ain't gorgeous news, I have no fucking idea what is. Waffles It would be sacrilegious if I wasn't thankful for not only the breakfast food, but for myself. (Note: WAGs were a close second.) Xanax What a treat these are. At the end of a long bender, when the alcohol withdrawal and the tremors kick in, a Xanax sundae or a Klonopin Coolatta is just what the doctor ordered. Yards of Beer I'm going to be honest; I only chose this because I could not find a good reason why I would be thankful for yeast infections. Well, that and the fact that I enjoy drinking lots and lots of beer and for that, a yard comes in pretty handy. Zack Morris A "Saved by the Bell" reunion is in the works and if you aren't thankful for that you might as well be dead inside.


















































I second giving thanks to Xanax…without it, I would have probably died years ago in a puddle of my own vomit after a deadly case of delirium tremens…no, not that belgium beer but the sickness that hits only the most dedicated of booze bombers.
I add to the list, Bars that are open on Turkey Day. Because nothing is better than a few beers and shots after spending a few miserable hours with your annoying extended family. Oh and Football and Strange Pussy
I second giving thanks to Xanax…without it, I would have probably died years ago in a puddle of my own vomit after a deadly case of delirium tremens…no, not that belgium beer but the sickness that hits only the most dedicated of booze bombers.
I add to the list, Bars that are open on Turkey Day. Because nothing is better than a few beers and shots after spending a few miserable hours with your annoying extended family. Oh and Football and Strange Pussy
my lawyer seriously though 09 has been a tough one for this bro
this site was the tits before the republican innuendos started filtering through. what the fuck? i would have thought young bros who venture to this site do so because they are real and have the balls and smarts to make sure the shit that is ass-backwards gets turned around. fuck the ice caps and obama? cmon man, i know that was for humorous effect, but who do you think your audience is here? fucktards in line at Palin’s book signing?
in my opinion, a true bro has the confidence to speak his mind, the common sense to see through the bullshit, and the gonads to lead the way when others try to hold him back. sorry but no true bro just chays through life and let others grab the wheel of our future.
i guess that was a bad assumption to make, fuck.
ahaha, liberals
BROmeslice, put your tampon in. You’re leaking all over the fucking place.
this is one of the funniest things ive ever read, i was just sitting in my basement laughing out loudly or LOL as some people know that expression as, while my entire family stared at me
I know the lacrosse references go too far on here sometimes but… Lubriderm over laxtitutes for “L”? I’m disappointed in you Waffles.
Anonymous; While you might be thankful for laxitutes—and I can certainly understand why you would be—I dont play lax and I didnt go to a lax school, so thats why they arent on my personal list.
obama rules, who are you kidding.