From A-Z, the Peculiar Things That I Am Thankful For

[inline:waf]Thanksgiving is a time where we are supposed to reflect back on the year and appreciate all the things that make our lives worth living. Family, friends, health, shelter -- these are a few of the obvious things that we are each probably thankful for. That, of course, is assuming that none of us are terminally ill orphans who live under a bridge. So often when we give thanks, we forget to give it for everyday things that enhance our lives, such as random objects, new technologies, or the misery of others. With that in mind, I wanted to list a few not-so-obvious things that I personally am thankful for in 2009. And what better way to do that than an alphabetized list? Spout off in the comments about some of the things that you are thankful for in 2009. Feel free to not only be creative but also really offensive. Animal Pak Ads I love it when these hilarious ads are scattered about America's various health publications. I truly look forward to their absurdity and I someday hope to meet (and potentially assassinate) a person who lives by these credos. This one below is a real gem and it's called "I'm not here to talk."

"You're out of toilet paper but your counter is full of supplements. You don't eat out, but there's 40 pounds of chicken in the fridge. Your rent is always past due, but your gym dues are paid on time, every time. This is dedication. This is Animal. Can you handle it?" --Maya Angelou (I might be mistaken, but I think this is an excerpt from "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings") BroBible Even though my office has banned BroBible due to my abuse, without the Bible I would likely be the aforementioned terminally ill orphan pedaling my soft hands on the cocks of affluent business men -- with sick hobo fetishes -- for packs of smokes and meatball subs. Chimp Attacks on Other People Call me insensitive; go ahead, I can take it. But fuck you if you aren't thinking the exact same thing. And if you aren't, I will gladly lay down the cold hard cash for you to get maimed. I'll even hire a silverback fucking gorilla to do it and I'll be so generous as to buy you the veil to wear for the rest of your miserable life. Prick. Day Drinking Day drinking, or chaying as some like to call it, is the perfect way to kick off your day and get you so obliterated that you wind up kicking a pigeon at night. True story, on January 1, 2009, I was so slammed from boozing all day that I literally kicked and killed a pigeon. PETA, I apologize. But not really. Escalators Even went I want to take the stairs, I rarely want to walk the full flight. And my idea of a fine time isn't standing in a moving box within close proximity to 10 other people. Thanks to the escalator, I can be the semi-lazy, anti-social prick my parents envisioned me to be. Free Porn This will be on my list for the rest of my life or at least until some dickbag in Congress passes a bill to regulate the distribution of it. Global Warming I say fuck the ice caps. When they melt I'm pretty confident nothing catastrophic will happen. Sure I could not root for a global meltdown and simply move to a warmer climate but I love a good underdog story and thanks to our abuse and negligence, I will someday have my endless summer. Homeless People Someone has to be poor and I'm damn sure thankful it's not me. "No, I won't give you my spare change, can't you see that I'm a fucking Republican?!?!" Ignorance Because without it, I might actually give a shit. John Clayton What a fuckin' eye sore, but boy is he a wealth of football knowledge. KY Jelly Sometimes you just don't have enough saliva to effectively lube her anus. Lubriderm I'm specifically thankful for the bottle that sits on my bed-side table. It's a real delight on those nights when my hands are too calloused from doing manly things to whack the jelly dry. Modern (Sexual) Medicine AIDS and herpes vaccines on the horizon, less complicated/painful STD tests (see: Q-tip insertion gonorrhea test), and the morning after pill at most pharmacies: The world is headed in the right direction. Numerical Lists At this point I am unsure if I am thankful for these or cursed by them. I'll get back to you. Obama, Barack Obama I owe him a great debt for giving me someone to hate for the next four years. Plan B Because using a hanger or throwing her down a flight of stairs is beginning to get a tad barbaric. (To all you uptight cunts, this is obviously a joke. I repeat, you are uptight cunts.) Questions from the Brommunity You keep me on my toes with your sometimes outrageous but always interesting inquires about sex, all things bro, more sex, relationships and deep-penetrating anal sex. Random Broads Or as I like to call them, "disposable vaginas." Shore Houses Binge drinking, drunken citations, public urination, one-night stands, countless blackouts, lewd and indecent acts against my fellow man, and not one ounce of regret for any of it. Without these places of weekend refuge, our summers would be much more mundane. Tits Big floppy tits or little tiny ones, Tits all alone or on sesame-seed buns. Tits with blue veins, or tits with huge nips, Tits that can dance, and tits that do flips. Tits in 2009 are what I'm so thankful for, Tits attached to the body of a dick loving whore! --Henry David Thoreau Unthought Known Great Pearl Jam song. That's really all I have to say. Vaginal Restoration Surgery No more encounters with vaginas that resemble mud flaps. If that ain't gorgeous news, I have no fucking idea what is. Waffles It would be sacrilegious if I wasn't thankful for not only the breakfast food, but for myself. (Note: WAGs were a close second.) Xanax What a treat these are. At the end of a long bender, when the alcohol withdrawal and the tremors kick in, a Xanax sundae or a Klonopin Coolatta is just what the doctor ordered. Yards of Beer I'm going to be honest; I only chose this because I could not find a good reason why I would be thankful for yeast infections. Well, that and the fact that I enjoy drinking lots and lots of beer and for that, a yard comes in pretty handy. Zack Morris A "Saved by the Bell" reunion is in the works and if you aren't thankful for that you might as well be dead inside.