Bro Breakdowns: The Main Line Bro
by Ned's Younger B... | Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 6:02am | 37 comments - 6764 reads
Editor's Note: This is the latest installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: the Jersey Bro. Up next: the Main Line Bro.
It's Saturday morning and you're hungover as shit. Last night is a fucking blur. You started it off at Plough and the Stars, and at some point you and your Bros decided it would be a good idea to grab a couple cases to head over to a BYOB strip club in the city. The last thing you remember is your Bro on the stage chained to a chair, getting whipped by a stripper. Best $60 you ever fucking spent.
As you rally your body to get out of bed, your Bro calls to see if you want to get some food. You throw on your throwback Phillies hat and Northface fleece, hop in his BMW, and hit the road to get a cheesesteak at Pat's. As you roll up you see a long-ass line. "Oh, fuck no," you say, "Standing in line is for fucking poor people." You cut in front of the line, making sure it's clear to everyone that your jacket is a Northface, thus entitling you to the head position. After the guy at the counter, who likely holds the world record for most amount of hair gel used for least amount of hair, dumps cheese whiz all over your sandwich, you're ready to chow down. Your Bro suggests grabbing a seat at a table, but you quickly nix that idea: you're eating in the fucking car; after all, you don't want to "catch guido." As you scarf down the Steak sitting on high horse looking down at all the fucking poor people eating in the cold, a smile comes across your face. Why wouldn't you be happy? You're the Philly Main Line Bro and you're the fucking shit.
Growing up in suburban communities such as Villanova, Haverford, and Merion, Main Line Bros never had to worry about being sent to Bel Air to live with their Aunt and Uncle due to a fight at the playground. Obviously this is because they are rich as shit. I mean when the biggest "thugs" coming out of your "hood" are Kobe Bryant and Hitch, you're not exactly dodging bullets.
While Main Line Bros may try to distance themselves from the blue collar guido population that inhabits their city, they have one overwhelming similarity with these barbed wire-tattooed laborers: their love of the Eagles and Phillies. Main Line Bros love getting decked out for gameday. The one rule among Main Line Bros is that everyone has to have a different Eagles jersey. This means there can only be one McNabb, one Westbrook, one Jackson, then after that you get creative. In past years the Dawkins was popular, but that had to be retired since he moved out to the land where the beer flows like wine. Now you're more likely to see Akers, Vick, Sheldon Brown, or throwback Cunningham threads. Although Main Line Bros love the Linc, their one regret is never getting locked up in the Vet jail.
So, the next time you're in Philly driving by the art museum and see some douche bag posing next to the Rocky statue yelling out, "Yo, Adrian!!!" don't rush to judgment -- this is not a Main Line Bro. While Pat's may claim to be the "King of Steaks," I think it's clear who the Kings of Men are in Philadelphia: the Main Line Bros.
Have a Bro in mind that you'd like us to breakdown? Let us know about it via. And don't forget to check out Bros Like This Site.
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Comments
so its just Faifield County but next to Philly instead of New York
Chicks from the Main Line = hot but annoying
NYB, while i agree that the alternate name jersey is the way to go, the kicker is never acceptable. I know stover is a popular wear down at the insane baltimore tailgates, but the 3rd string tiny white guy receiver is usually the better call. Tight ends are always great picks for jerseys. A recent development i have seen is wearing the throwback college jersey of a legendary franchise player. A bears fan might throw on a #66 Clemson jersey. That would be none other than william "the fridge" perry. Or maybe a #12 Bama jersey to pay homage to professor emeritus at bro tech, Joe "i just wanna kiss you" Namath.
Bottom line is, if you rock a kickers jersey, you might as well be submitting to the fact that there are no studs on your team. You might as well grab beers with Martin Gramatica after work today
ps bros like this site.com is unbelievable. much respect
lower merion is where all the true bros reside. kobe, johnny christmas, will smith all lived in LM. radnor is the disgrace of the mainline
If any mainline bro jumped the line at Pat's, he'd have his bro ass kicked from the Whiz dispenser to the Merion Cricket Club. For reasons of credibility, I live on the mainline, went to prep school, played lax on my college team, was a married bro to a mainline snot, now am a happily divorced bro free of that mainline snot (other than paying for her big house, mercedes, and life of leisure), and I'm just saying that the mainline bro would take his privileged life into his hands by pulling that clown-show at Pat's.
Nonetheless, thanks for the site. I may be old(er) but I am not dead.
Akers i a no-no, I'm currently rocking a Stewart Bradley, and B-Dawk is still acceptable. Also, all bros in the 610 think Chase Utley and Jayson Werth are huge bros.
woah a north face jacket? youve gotta be really rich to wear one of those wowwwwwwwwww. these guys sound like faggots. making fun of the less fortunate is not bro.
I hope to see the FC bro breakdown soon
sound like cunts...
being from the main line i have several problems with this. as already mentioned there is no way you could skip the line at pats ginos jims or wherever without starting a guido riot and a trip to the hospital. also i love your site, most of the stuff you write is hilarious and has much bro cred, however i have to disagree that north face is a bro status symbol. a patagonia maybe, or a vineyard vines pullover. also c-3pbro making fun of the less fortunate is most certainly bro.
c-3pbro please leave this site making fun of poor people is super bro, as are North Face jackets.
who drives all the way down to pat's to chow. fuckin amateur status. LM, not bro
who drives all the way down to pat's to chow. fuckin amateur status. LM, not bro
who drives all the way down to pat's to chow. fuckin amateur status. LM, not bro
nova babyyy
if thats the case then you all must be really fucking poor to think that there is anything cool or status oriented about a $200 dollar jacket.
Suburb philly bros loved pat burrell before he got traded cause he was always seen at bars getting fucked up as shit and taking home slam pieces. he also was a great target for heckling.
Also Philly bros fucking love "Its Always Sunny"
This just put me in a stitch of laughter.
Literally a trail through Gladwyne will make you sick to your stomach seeing how people actually live like that.
The Main Line bro is just as bad as the Main Line bitch. But trust me, the bitch is whats more amusing. Both have the most superficial, stereotypical, and judgmental attitude in the whole US (comparable to the rich societies around the US).
In the Main Line there is NO room for non-conformity. Don't raise your kids here, by the time you're 13, they'll start realizing how big a shit hole it is. By the time your 18...YOU'RE FUCKING OUTTA THERE AND THANKFUL.
please. real main line bros wouldn't hike their hungover asses all the way to south philly just for a steak. there's way better spots all over the suburbs for steaks, and john's roast pork is the best spot in the city for sure anyways. bro-haters go to pats or genos cause those are the only places they've heard of. and north face is played out, patagonia, marmot or spyder is whats up.
who the fuck wears spyder
will smith is from West, Not LM. look that shit up, besides that sites funny as shit
Main Line bros love hitting up the King of Prussia Mall and hotboxing foreign cars before high school basketball games (Lower Merion, Episcopal, Conestoga).
Is Campbell Gilbert the godfather of bros on the main line? Yes/No other comments welcomec
I agree with Tim TeBro--being from the mainline myself I definitely wouldn't drive to south philly just to get a steak. Although northface isn't all that fancy, it's still still entry level for the mainline bro.
Funny, post, but everyone can pick out These guys.....they arent real bros, b/c their dads pay for their cheesesteaks and they get pissed when real bros use their hot sisters as slam pieces and drive their cars.
i'm from philly, dated a main line girl, we were at a bar in wayne. there was a party for some yuppie socker bros. one of these idiots tried hitting on my girl, knocked his ass out one punch, his buddies surrounded me, i offerd the biggest one to fight me, after what i did to his buddy him and all the other about 8 main line bros. backed down, bunch of wussies.
Main line kids are just a bunch of pussies who never worked for shit in their lives and the girls of the main line and a bunch of pirate hookers who look for any exscuse to huff a bird and then wonder why people consider them jokes of human being after blowing half the guys on the villanofun basketball team. Heres a clue lay off the coke and dick for a while and mabye people might start to take you seriously.
i'd like to start off by thanking the guido phillyforlife for his awesome story. you are the man and we all really wanted to hear how badass you are. now on to mainline fagbags there is nothing more bro than not working and spending your parents money. don't be pissed just because you didn't get into nova and had to go to st.joes and got herpes from an infamous st.joe hoe. As a current nova bro and fratter i can attest to the fact that the mainline bro is the ultimate bro because he bangs the hottest sluts, wears exclusively polo and vineyard vines,and pounds brews and packs bowls all day
Keep up the good work on the site
1. Fratagonia is Bro. North face is for the Jappy girls at Penn.
2. Bros don't hang out in Old City, particularly at Plough and the Stars.
3. Unfortunately, your one big bro friend (and, subsequently, you) typically gets his ass kicked by Tony, Johnny, Joey and Larry when cutting in line at Pat's.
Keep in mind, the kid who sent Tony Chestnut to the hospital (minion at Geno's) was from Devon. Represent!
anyone actually from philly knows pats and genos arent the best, theyre just the most expensive and likely filled with some tourist bro-haters. Pat Burrell is the biggest bro because he banged a bunch of slampieces at the U and then conned the phils into paying him to strike out looking. He wouldnt even fucking swing. Plus everyone knows a story about seeing pat burrell at a philly bar and him using the "Hello, I'm Pat Burrell, wanna come back with me?" on some random slut.
nah spyder's for fags...i agree with the fratabronia though
Episcopal is technically not on the Main Line and most of its students are from Newtown Square, also not a Main Line town
Agreed everyone hates Radnor
Except completely different. Read a book bro.
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