Bro Breakdowns: The Jersey Bro
by Ned's Younger B... | Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 6:02am | 78 comments - 10078 reads
Editor's Note: This is the latest installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: the Surfer Brah. Up next: the Jersey Bro.
You wake up with no idea where you are. You look around to see four of your bros sleeping on the floor next to you and you remember that you crashed at your bro's place in the city. You glance at your cell phone to check out the time and notice some incoherent text message from a slam piece at 4 a.m. saying, "You shud comme ov8r." Damn -- you passed out too early. After shooting the shit with your bros for a half hour about how fucked up you got at Cielo last night and trying to figure out if you got any late night food, you decide it's time to head back home. As you cross the Hudson, waving goodbye to the city that never sleeps so you can finally take a nap, you smile to yourself. While everyone in the country might call your home the armpit of America, you realize they're not talking about you. After all, you're the Jersey bro -- the best your state has to offer.
Often found in NYC's neighboring cities such as Hoboken or Jersey City, Jersey bros are smart as shit. Why would you ever live in Manhattan and blow your entire paycheck on some 300-square-foot two-bedroom apartment with bunk beds that rattle every time your roommate beats off at night when he thinks you fell asleep? Fuck that -- you're a bro, you deserve better.
When people think of guys in Jersey, they often think of the guy straight out of the "My New Haircut" YouTube video. Please, please, don't get this confused with the Jersey bro. The Jersey bro has been spending his entire life separating himself from the terrible Guido stereotypes that still plague his life. While Guidos are putting on a wife beater two sizes too small and knocking out two bottles of hairspray so they look "good" for their walk to get their spray-on tan just before hitting the Shore, Jersey bros throw on their backwards Mets Giants hat and throwback Drazen Petrovic jersey and hit the beer pong table...
While most people love to trash New Jersey, Jersey bros are quick to defend it. After all, when you're from a state that legends such as Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi, Frank Sinatra, and the entire Sugar Hill Gang call home, you have a fucking right to be proud.
If you ask a Jersey bro to list the top 10 moments in New Jersey history, about eight of them would come from episodes of "The Sopranos." During the cliffhanger series finale where the world was sitting on the edge of their seat only to find out the biggest plot twist they could imagine -- that a woman could actual parallel park -- Jersey bros were busy telling everyone and their fucking mother that they had been to the actual "Bada Bing!" strip club or that they grew up right around the corner from Holsten's.
So the next time you hear someone make some ridiculous claim that New Jersey is America's cesspool, tell them to bite their tongue. There actually is a group of young men in this state who don't own at least three sleeveless T-shirts that say "We pump our fists, not our gas!" So put on your Jose Reyes jersey, throw on some Boss, and grab a brew. America's armpit? Yeah, maybe for everyone else, but not for you -- you're a fucking Jersey bro.
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Comments
Fucking love these pieces...viva el jersey bro
You claim that you aren't the Guido-stereotypes that you are, but one of your top 10 moments is an episode from the Soprano's??
Jersey bros will never shake Tommy Cheezbolls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6upatWc7bQ&feature=player_embedded
Coming from a true North Jersey Bro, you are on the right track with the beginning of this article but most North Jersey Bro's are world Champion NY Yankees and NY Football Giant fans, please dont affiliate us with that second rate team from Queens.
Definitely on point but no Mets fans in New Jerusalem.
fuck guidos, jersey is the tits. mets suck too, all about yankees g-men and some keystone light
Yeah all about those yankees and g-men..from NEW YORK. giants are ashamed to even admit they play in new jersey.
As a true jersey bro I feel obligated to comment on this piece. First of all I must point out the lack of attention payed to New Jersey's proud high school lacrosse tradition. NJ is right up there with Connecticut, LI, and Maryland in terms of lax talent. I should know hailing from Summit, the defending state champs and the #9 ranked team in the country. Secondly true bros from Jersey have ridiculous pride for New Jersey Devils hockey. This cannot be overlooked. The Devils have been one of the most consistent and dominant hockey teams of the past 15 years and Jersey bros rep it with pride. These are elements essential to the NJ bro that can't be overlooked. Otherwise a solid description.
This is what pisses me off,
Anonymous - where are you from Nassau County, Suffolk County or even worse upstae New York? From where I live in Jersey I am closer to Yankee Stadium and Midtown Manhattan than most people who make those type of stupid comments that you just did. And the whole Giants Team lives right here in Northern New Jersey! And would probably disagree with an ignorant comment like that.
Someone breakdown the Delbarton and Don Bosco bro in this comments section...
I think this is mis representing of the real jersey bros that dominate the world.
Broboken reps pretty hard......fact
Besides the fuckin hipsters
Being a laxer from CT, i will say new jersey high school lax is pretty solid. minus the guidos, new jersey is a bro-state
a bro from bosco is a very rare occurrence. full of guidos and tools. delby has a solid stream of bros coming from it. i didnt go to either, but played lax against and live near both.
As a south jersey bro i must disagree with the love of the yankees. Anyone from south jersey knows that we live and die by our phils. Jason Werth is more bro than anyone on the skankees. Brohoun is on point about the devils tho
NJ is one of the most BRO states out there. Granted the northern part of the turnpike (as shown in the opening credits of the Sopranos) is an utter shit-hole. However, this filthy corridor is not where Jersey bros are raised into bro-hood. Instead, we are born into the scores of wealthy suburbs that make up the majority of the state. You'll spot us in our khakis, sneaks, North-face fleeces, and tattered backwards hats, driving SUVs and packing a dip.
In the North we have Yankees-Giants, as well as Mets-Jets fans. Allegences divide over the Rangers and Devils. In the south, it is straight love for the Iggles, Flyers, and Phils.
We produce great athletes in the most BRO of sports (lax, football and hockey). Check any Major DI lax roster and you will find Bros from the Garden State. Unknown to many, we are also a great football state. G-REG Olson and Knowshon Moreno just to name a few. Let's not forget the increasing relevance in hockey with James vanRiemsdyk and Bobby Ryan tearing up the NHL.
Recently I was at a gas station (having my tank filled for me), on the way to a Bruce concert when I looked over and saw a nasty hog sitting in an SUV with a sticker from my rival university. My souther BRO hailing from Georgia, who was along for the ride, was shocked as I shouted out "Hey Sweetheart, _________ University Fucking SUCKS." This just doesn't happen in the South. In the end, I think that's what sets us apart, Bro-know how combined with attitude.
Southern jersey is hack, they're the ones that give jersey a bad name. Northern jersey is where its at. We have three counties in the top ten richest counties in the nation, we are where the true jersey bros hail from.
I agree Respect My Broglomerate (one must respect all real broglomerates) South Jersey Lowlifes should not be considered when defining the Real Jersey Bro, the North Jersey Bro!
Hey Smokin Bro Frazier what happened to yuor precious Phils?
HAHA maybe you should just move to PA so you can feel welcome because you and every eagles/phillies fan are a disgrace to the great state of NJ!
the delbarton bro is one in its own. coming from all around morris county, the boys of the greatest fucking school ever are some of the most enviable bros around. leaving behind their inferior public school friends in either seventh or ninth grade, these young men come to delbarton for several reasons: unparalleled amounts of slam pieces, a lacrosse (and hockey) program coveted across the nation, hook ups to the best schools in the country, and an environment that surrounds themselves by other like-minded individuals. they can often be seen wearing a polo, a pair of cords, and sweet pair of kicks as they drive out of the gorgeous campus in their bmw or range rover to go pick up a tin from golds (god bless that store). the school only serves the best, accepting only 1 out of 9 applicants. so when you find out that the wall street position you wanted was taken by a ridiculously good looking guy who you think is a complete meathead, you better fucking believe it that that same man was an Ivy League lacrosse player, hailing from the one and only, Delbarton School.
Agreed, there really aren't any bros south of Princeton.
Last time I checked it wasn't the New Jersey Yankees/Mets or the New Jersey Giants/Jets. So you really can't talk shit about going out of state for Pro-sports affiliations.
Cmon Bro, you know it is Different when we are talking about New Jersey and the New York Sports teams. I am 20 minutes from Yankee and Giants Stadium. They are just as much Jersey Teams as there are New York Teams even if they dont say New Jersey on them, they dont have to. Yes New Jersey and New york are two Different States but we are talking The Metropolitan area here.
First of all, there is no such thing as a delbarton bro. Delbarton boys just love dick. I mean common, who goes to a school with girls? There second favorite thing besides dick is losing to Mountain Lakes and Summit in the TOC Lacrosse Finals.
jersey is the shit and bros are more than embraced in north jersey. anyone who talks shit about jersey is just flat out ignorant. sadly south jersey is basically a joke and shud just be annexed by PA so we can be rid of it. btw do not watch the new mtv show "jersey shore", this is a gross misrepresentation of our state and shud not be taken seriously, fucking guido trash.
Jersey bro's are raised on Motown cluck and early mornings at Mennen arena
jersey lax bros are the truth just about the same as balty lax bros, we twig hard we have a d1 lax dick hail ridge lax
Nothin like a late night practice at twin oaks then a quick hop across 287 to cluck.
Jersey Devils fans love their team so much that fan attendance has cracked the league's top 20 just twice this decade (#19 in '01 and '02)
http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/attendance?year=2010
You're forgetting one of the best things about Jersey. Atlantic City. Bros love to fucking gamble. Bros fucking love AC.
Things jersey bros love: stones, cluck, chicks at the beach, laughing at the dicks on the side of delbarton kids heads, ruit, chicks, blunts, and living in some of the most succesful counties in the country.
two words. "The Hunt". clear indication of the level of bro Jersey exudes.
The land of dips, rips and sips Jersey is the shit. Sick lax, sick puck, sick football its a bro haven. MoCo is fucking legit as hell and one of the best places to party in. Everyone packs fucking gongshows like its their job. Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese on a bagel is the ultimate hangover cure and SurfTaco is where everyone chays after catching 'rels, getting retarded and getting some box. This place is a paradise.
two words. "The Hunt". clear indication of the level of bro Jersey exudes.
The land of dips, rips and sips Jersey is the shit. Sick lax, sick puck, sick football its a bro haven. MoCo is fucking legit as hell and one of the best places to party in. Everyone packs fucking gongshows like its their job. Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese on a bagel is the ultimate hangover cure and SurfTaco is where everyone chays after catching 'rels, getting retarded and getting some box. This place is a paradise.
two words. "The Hunt". clear indication of the level of bro Jersey exudes.
Chatham bros reppin that 973
Fuck yeah Jersey bros. Guidos are the worst. Derek Jeter is such a bro he slays the most slam pieces. PERIOD. There needs to be a mention of AC such a bro palace every bro loves to fucking gamble.
There are mad brohaters from north Jersey those guys are clearly fuckin chumps. Sout Jersey is full of bros and the fuckin phils eagles and flyers suck fat philadelphia dick. South Jersey is where its at all the fuckin guido pieces of shit come from the scumhole cities that are north Jersey. South Jersey is clearly the superior half of the state
south jersey is poor as shit compared to the counties in north jersey. south jersey fucks think they're straight hood. aka NOT BRO
Hey - Chad from delbarton, was it difficult to type while you were getting plugged in the ass by your buddy Sebastian?
It is without a doubt true that there are no bros south of Princeton. Being from Princeton, I have seen the other side of the bro border...and it's scary. Don't hate on the all boys schools, they are a hotbed of bros. I went to a an all-boys boarding school in CT and it was full of bros...not to mention that we kicked everyone's ass in lax and hockey. Go phillies
The phillies suck fat dick thats why they didnt win the world series you are clearley a chump and should consequently remove yourself to pennsylvania to be pounded by Ryan Howard in the ass you faggot
"We have three counties in the top ten richest counties in the nation, we are where the true jersey bros hail from." Yeah, that's extremely bro that you hail from rich counties. As much as I dislike southern Jersey (mainly because they ejaculate to Philly teams)...i wouldnt mind if these fellas rammed lacrosse sticks up your rich, pompous asses. Ho-bros.
Bros are rich... everyone knows it. If your a bro being rich is almost a necessity...
The bro's are from the north...guidos from the south/shore...and for the whole giants/yankees/jets/mets debate, atleast the giants and the jets play in nj...phuck you philly phaggots
The bro's are from the north...guidos from the south/shore...and for the whole giants/yankees/jets/mets debate, atleast the giants and the jets play in nj...phuck you philly phaggots
First of all, I speak for most of new jersey when I say to people from Delbarton please stop defending new jersey. You are about as jersey as the napa valley merlot you "chug" at your house parties. Please, just mind your business, and I won't vomit when I see you taking your girlfriend to a giants game with a 6 pack of bud light hidden under a matching green hoody in the back of your range rover (alright, I'll vomit quietly). Secondly, the north v. south jersey thing is a made up divide sovpeople from north jersey can defend their state by saying to haters, "no, you're thinking of south jersey." The same holds true for south jerseyans. Hailing from the greatest town in Northern (and all of) nj, and indeed the world, (if you need to ask then I don't want you to know), I fully admit that some of the best moments of my life occurred along the 60 miles of paradise that is the jersey shore. Don't let the wannabros from philly or CT cause you to disrespect your new jersey brethren--from monmouth to morris, jersey is as bro as it gets
well said john but that anonymous kid is retatrded guidos come from the north and infest the beaches of south jersey
The original article seems to describe Bergen county wannabe bros. No real bro cares about the sopranos. Real jersey bros are bred in Morris county and bordering parts of hunterdon/somerset counties. South jersey bros don't exist and only joos like the mets.
New Jersey is the most bro state in the country. Even though I am not from NJ, I met (aka slept with) many Jersey Bros during my time at one of the most bro-tastic colleges on the east coast, BROanoke. NJ is where true Bro Kings are born.
And Bro Knows... rich and pompous are two of the most important qualities of bros. You are clearly an impoverished BROSER.
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