Who are the Top 10 Sexiest Cougars Over 40 in Hollywood?

After leafing through the newest issue Playboy and baring witness to Farrah Fawcett's super-human rocket nipples and then reading our article on cougar hunting from last week, I decided to sit myself down -- on the shitter -- and ask myself a life- and even shit density-changing question. Which 10 celebrities, among the living and over the age of 40, would I really love to fuck?

The above is one of life's most intricate, and yet delicate, questions. Can there really be a wrong answer? After all, an individuals' picks are based on personal preference and whose hip he would really want to break or at the very least painfully displace. But, I suppose if I said I wanted to fuck Oprah Winfery, I'd lose all credibility, my job at BroBible, and hopefully the use of my penis. So perhaps there can be a few incorrect responses.

Once a Hollywood starlet hits the age of 40 to 45 and becomes a "cougar," her shelf life of good looks is usually about 10 to 15 more years. Of course, there are those rare exceptions, but after a certain age, most women start tripping over their own tits or their surgically enhanced face begins to bear a shocking resemblance to an evil clown. A perfect example of a cougar that lost her swagger would be Beverly D'Angleo. Back in her early cougar years, old Bev was a sexual beast, now she's just a fuckin' eyesore. I'm actually surprised she can still find work that doesn't involve swallowing cum.

Now I am fully aware that there are at least 50 women that could make this list, but these are my personal favorite among the cougars/milfs in Hollywood. I went for sexuality over looks. I know Jennifer Aniston is hot, but for some reason sex doesn't seep out of her pours and since she can't keep a guy for more that 2 weeks, I'm guessing she is about as fun to fuck as a dead animal carcass. Not that I know what that would be like...

Feel free to spill your guts and rattle off a top five or 10 of your own in the comments.

Salma Hayek
Oh Salma, listening to you struggle to speak coherent English makes me want to ram an ice pick into my fucking ears. But looking at you as you and your enormous tits sit in silence make me want to ram my cock into your salsa-spewing mouth. If only you were a mime (minus the face paint), you might be the perfect woman.

Diane Lane
Never in my life have I wanted to be French or even be associated with anyone who was French until I watched Diane get her ass reamed out by Oliver Martinez in "Unfaithful." For those of you who are questioning my patriotism right now, I should note that I gave a one-man standing ovation the moment that French fuck, Martinez, got his skull bashed in by Dick Gere and his mighty snow globe. (Note: Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany. I am not even lying. Look it up.)

Heather Locklear
The fact is, you're not the best and you never have been. The highlight of your underachieving career was Melrose Place, a show that played second fiddle to Beverly Hills 90210. Your next biggest achievement was having your face all over the tabloids because Denise Richards was getting railed by your husband. Seriously, you couldn't even fuck a lead singer, so you had to snag yourself Richie "I live in Jon's shadow and struggle with substance abuse" Sambora and he even dumped you. But hey, you're still pretty hot, so I'll show you some love. How's about my cock in your ass? Is that enough love for ya? It better be because it's certainly all your worth.

Maria Bello
Maria didn't come on to my radar until she played Viggo Mortenson's wife in "A History of Violence." The exact moment I noticed her was the scene when Maria's character realized her husband had a murderous past and she tried to walk away from him during an argument. That proved to be a foolish move on her part because Viggo, being the historically violent son of a bitch that he is, tackled her on the steps (in the meager shanty they called a home) and proceed to hate fuck the living shit out of her. At one point, old Viggo was railing her so hard I thought he was going to rip out her uterus with his bare hands -- given his aggressive past this wouldn't have come as a surprise.

Jayne Seymour
By over an entire decade, Jayne is the oldest on the list, but at 58 years old, she can still make a cock's heart palpitate. As Kathleen Cleary, her words won me over when she so elegantly said to John Beckwith, "I just had my tits done. You like 'em?" Of course John liked 'em, we all did, but sadly John was a sappy thumb sucker who didn't have the mettle to seal the deal, like any real man would.

Demi Moore
She did it! She snagged a younger man. She's won the game, right? Well, sort of. For now she is victorious, but a real cougar knows that happiness is fleeting faster than the elasticity of her vagina. In about 10 years, Ashton is going to leave Demi heartbroken, loose and all alone as she enters the twilight of her life -- she must accept this as her fate.

Cindy Crawford
The Zack Morris of women, she has aged with complete grace over the last 20 years. I can only deduce that her husband gives her nightly facial blasts to keep her skin looking so young and revitalized. For her sake, I hope he restricts his asparagus consumption.

Courtney Cox
The star of the new show "Cougar Town" obviously has to be on this list. It's too fucking bad she is still married to that half-a-tard David Arquette. Despite her poor taste in men, I've wanted to fuck her since I saw her in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." Speaking of, is it just me or have her boobs shrunk since then? They were gelatinous mounds in that movie and now they are mere C's on a good day. I smell foul play.

Halle Berry
Just look at that picture. It was taken after she turned 40. Most normal girls (non-celebs) don't look this good in their twenties. Then again, Halle probably didn't spend her twenties drinking, smoking, and eating fast food at 4 a.m. Take notes, ladies, take detailed notes.

Catherine Zeta Jones
Thank Christ that she turned 40 last month because I did not want to make this list without her. What she is doing with Michael "way past my sexual prime" Douglas is beyond me. She needs to drop that leather-faced loser or fuck him so hard that she sends him into cardiac arrest so she can then follow Demi's lead and get with a young, sexually capable man.