The All-Playboy Team: BroBible’s Top 10 Slayers

[inline:waf]In the field of slaying, Hollywood actors, million dollar athletes, and famous musicians generally take the top honors. In these high-profile industries, the men who live the bachelor lifestyle are usually the ones who go on crazy killing sprees, crushing chick after voluptuous chick, a la Vincent Chase in "Entourage." To a single man in any on of these fields, going from broad to broad is as rudimentary as not flushing the toilet is to you or me. No thought needed whatsoever, because really, who doesn't want to see my four-hour-old shit coiled up like a snake the next time they use the bathroom? Although I am green with envy because these gents basically get more pussy than a litter box, I will admit that they deserve their praise. Accolades are especially warranted for those males who have made a real nice name for themselves as perpetual playboys. [inline:cooper] Bradley Cooper Why he is the man: B. Coop, as his friends call him (non-factual), has hit the ground running in recent years. As a fucking snot-nosed prick in "Wedding Crashers" and a cool and collected stud in "The Hangover," it's no wonder why Jennifer Aniston wants to eat the moldy cheese from his taint. Coop isn't the richest kid on the block yet, but we have a feeling he is going to be swimming in his millions in years to come. Why a bro should love him: He is about to star in the movie remake of the A-Team as Faceman. No one can replace Mr. T and his generous amounts of pity, but hopefully in this version people will actually get hit by bullets and die slow, horrific deaths.

[inline:jt] Justin Timberlake Why he is the man: He is funnier than most cast members on "SNL" and he is incredibly wealthy because had the foresight to kick the other stooges from 'N SYNC to the curb. His resume includes a pre-meltdown Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, Cameron Diaz, and most recently -- my precious angel whom I would gladly kill anyone, even a man of the cloth, to sleep with -- Jessica Biel. Why a bro should love him: He was a co-creator of the ultimate present: the dick in a box. [inline:jeter] Derek Jeter Why he is the man: How shall we count the ways? He is the shortstop for the biggest sports team on the planet and is about to play for his fifth championship; his net worth has been reported over the $100 million mark; and he has fucked and chucked the likes of Mariah Carey, Vanessa Milano, Adriana Lima, and Jessica Alba -- just to name a gorgeous few. Currently watching from the box with his parents: "Friday Night Light" 's Minka Kelly. Keep on, keepin' on #2. What the broads have to say: "He's a hunk, and I don't even like that word. Women like guys who have a big presence but sort of play it down. It's very appealing." -- Actress Kim Basinger [inline:clooney] George Clooney Why he is the man: He is not only the essence of suave but having a head full of salt and pepper hair has never served someone as well as it has George Clooney. He is a box-office superstar, he's adored by women around the globe, he's currently dating the sexy Elisabetta Canalis, and he rakes in a reported $29 million per year. The only thing keeping me from killing him out of jealousy is my belief that he is hung like a rodent. From the horse's mouth: Here is what George had to say when asked if he'd ever run for public office, "Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties." Spoken like a true bro. [inline:leo] Leonardo DiCaprio Why he is the man: Because Tom Brady knows what his dick tastes like. That's correct, Leo dated Gisele Bundchen before Tom Brady made her an honest gal and Leo's most recent accomplishment was taking a wrecking ball to Bar Refaeli's cervix and then her heart. Telling Bar to hit the road is Goddamn foolish if you ask me, but I'm not a movie star with $400 million worth of homes and investments, so what the fuck do I know? What I DO know: He played a rather convincing retard, no man should ever watch "Titanic," he was upstaged by Mark Walberg and the one successful Baldwin in "The Departed," and "The Beach" fucking sucked. I also know that if he didn't pull such spectacular ass that I would have never allowed for him to be on this team. You, Leonardo, are my Isaiah Thomas. Sadly, my distaste for the cut of your jib cannot keep you off this list. [inline:hartnet] Josh Hartnett Why he is the man: If this list were based on talent, Josh would be on the outside looking in because he couldn't play the role of a statue let alone a believable human being. But since we don't give a shit about him as a thespian, we'll look past his skills and the stupid lemon sucking look he keeps on his face because his list of former flames is rather impressive: Gisele Bundchen, Scarlett Johansson, Rihanna, and Kirsten Dunst. Not bad for a no-talent hack. Josh on love: "Guys think of love as a feeling -- if you do something wrong, you can still love somebody. So, guys are always screwing up and then saying, 'But I love you!'" Hot Damn! If I had a share of Google for every time I said those exact words... [inline:leinart] Matt Leinart Why he is the man: Speaking of no talent hacks...Leinart received deity-like treatment while he was at USC and he probably even had sex with every incoming freshman -- both men and women -- from his sophomore year onward. These days Matt would rather pose in front of a camera than do anything to justify why he got the Heisman Trophy, but you know what? He makes millions of dollars and after his football career is over, he'll have something that John Elway doesn't have -- the complete use of his legs. Way to slack off Matt, keep up the lack of work. What a former teammate had to say: "Matt has the world in his hands" -- Reggie Bush. Rumor has it that this is what Bush exclaimed when he walked in on Leinart grabbing Kim Kardashian's ass. [inline:farrell] Colin Farrell Why he is the man: He's had some decent film successes but women flock to him because of his "I don't give a fuck about myself and I care even less for your well being" attitude. He's been linked to a list of famous women over the years including Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Rosario Dawson, Michelle Rodriguez, and Denise Richards. What the broads have to say: "He is a real guy. He's a real man - and I think we don't have a lot of 'men' today. He really does break a mold and I think that's so important. He is his own man. He's also really wild and uninhibited and free and bold -- but he's not out to get anybody..." -- Angelina Jolie. Sounds to me like she enjoyed sucking his crooked dick, ya know, the one that broke the mold. [inline:pdiddy] P. Diddy Why he is the man: He practically made J-Lo's ass famous, and he never leaves the house without some slick shades and a toothpick. He has the healthiest gums and most undamaged retinas in show business. Aside from J-Lo, Diddy hasn't had too many high-profile fucks, but you just know he threw it in each member of Danity Kane. A fun fact: He is more successful than you will ever be. [inline:nicholson] Jack Nicholson Why he is the man: Maybe his dick no longer works and maybe he is a few years from the grave, but the man who gave us "The Shining" has got to make this list. Consider him our Lifetime Achievement award recipient. In his day, Jack tore through more bush than a fuckin' Vietnam vet. He's still got courtside seats at every Lakers game, he still kills it as an actor, and he is flat out one cool ass mother. Nuff said. From the Joker's mouth: "At some point, I've asked every woman I ever lived with to marry me, but they knew me too well. I'm the archetype of the man who is a problem." Aren't we all Jack, aren't we all? Now it is time to point and laugh at the kids who get laid but are far too big of tools to ever make the team. [inline:mayer] John Mayer Why he isn't the man: He is about as douchey as one douchebag can get. Not to mention that he looks like he has some sort of palsy when he is playing the guitar. If you disagree, you can go fuck yourself. [inline:pattinson] Robert Pattinson Why he isn't the man: He was in "Twilight" and although I never saw it, my sexuality leads me to assume it was atrocious. When asked once about having a girlfriend, Robby had this to say, "I don't have people's phone numbers. I almost don't want to have a girlfriend in this environment." Being a rational man, I can only deduce the "environment" he is referring to is hot orgies with under-aged girls. I hope that someday he gets arrested for statutory rape. I seriously do. [inline:brody] Brody Jenner Why he isn't the man: It appears that he has no redeemable qualities about him. He was once friends with the Spencer Pratt, he is only famous because his father is an Olympic legend, and he had a show ("Bromance") dedicated to finding a friend. I will say this, though: he hacks up some quality twat and I can appreciate that. But the question you have to ask yourself is, how badly does he want to bang his stepsisters? (Chloe obviously excluded.) I'd bet that he pulls his tab to Kim's sex tape at least once a week. And the sad part is that half of the time he's probably jerking off to Ray J's anvil-sized cock.