Bro Breakdowns: The Baltimore Bro

Editor's Note: This is the third installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: The Snowboard Bum. Up next: The Baltimore Bro.

It's Sunday afternoon. After punishing your ninth Natty Boh of the day, you're finally ready to get into uniform. As you open your closet, you pass through your purple Vinny Testaverde, Sam Adams, Steve McNair, and even throw-back Artie Donovan threads to find your most prized possession: your black Ed Reed jersey. Normally you don't rock them, but today the Ravens are playing the Steelers, so you decide it's time to break out the purple camo pants. You slip on your Rainbow sandals and give yourself one last look in the mirror to notice your long flow is parted perfectly to the side. You don't want these fucking Pittsburgh fans to have any misconceptions of who they are dealing with. Welcome to Charm City -- home of the Baltimore Bros.

Throughout the country, when bros meet other bros, the first question is without a doubt, "So where'd you go to school?" This is usually followed up with questions about how fucked up you got in college and a determination of which school had hotter slam pieces. In Baltimore, this same question is asked, but the answer is surprisingly not a college. No, instead bros in Baltimore are asking where you went to high school. If you didn't go to high-priced lacrosse factories such as Calvert Hall, Loyola, Boys Latin, Gilman, or McDonough, you pretty much aren't worth talking to. I mean, seriously, where the fuck did you go then? That school from season 4 of "The Wire?" Do they even have a lacrosse team?

While Baltimore Bros used to bleed Oriole orange and black in the glory days of Chris Hoiles and Jeff Rebolet, they have grown apathetic in recent years due to their hated of resident villain Peter Angelos. One thing that hasn't wavered through the years is their absolute love of crabs. Ask any bro about crabs and he'll immediately start talking about how it's "just such a great social event" or he'll tell you about the time "during the summer where I must have eaten like 30 crabs in one sitting." Baltimore Bros practically ejaculated all over the movie theater the first time they saw "Wedding Crashers." You would have thought someone cured fucking cancer when Sack's douchebag friend yelled out "Crab cakes and football: That's what Maryland does!" Since the release of the movie, the line has been quoted pretty much anytime either crab cakes or football is mentioned, obviously growing in hilarity every time it's quoted.

So the next time you are paired up on the golf course with some long-haired, khaki pants-wearing Bro with an STX lanyard around his neck, and you can't think of anything to talk about, just mention how solid Hopkins Lax looks this year, how amazing The Preakness was before they banned BYOB, or how you would beat the living shit out of Jeffrey Maier if given the opportunity, and you'll become fast Bros. Before you know it you'll be throwing back Natty Bohs and picking crabs with some of the best the Mid-Atlantic has to offer -- the Baltimore Bros.

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