A Field Guide to Cougar Hunting: The 10 Sub-Species of Cougars

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Ah, the cougar. The felicitous, sexually savvy, 40-something female puma who preys on men two decades her junior. In the same genus of the "milf," she is usually pre- or post-menopausal. Her behavior involves stalking and seducing bros in habitats like sports bars, car shows, and college town nightclubs teeming with tender, intoxicated fresh meat to fuck. With her predatory and confident ways, she is a relative to the panther and the jaguar, yet often lacks the keen and discrete social graces of mature, Vodka tonic-guzzling Mrs. Robinson types. Sometimes her aggressive, sexually-suggestive flirting and willingness to play beer pong is comical. Other times, it's just sad. 

The etymology of the word "cougar" in its modern praxis dates back to Carrie Bradshaw and "Sex and the City," but the idea is nothing new, claiming thematic relevancy in "The Graduate "and "American Pie," perhaps even tracing its roots back to the incestuous saga of Jocasta, the Milf of Thebes who couldn't resist her own son, King Oedipus himself (gross). None the less, the cougar phenomenon has somewhat jumped the shark in the past few years, at times implying a botoxed monstrosity who dines on Ambien and Merlot, other times suggesting a self-actualized, feminine liberation of middle-aged women who have every damn right on God's green earth to fulfill their supercharged libidos however they please. One thing is certain: It's almost impossible to ignore this golden era of the Great Cougar Renaissance in the cultural zeitgeist, with a cougar-themed cruise, the cougar-related websites Cougar Life and Cougar Patrol, a reality show, a national cougar convention in San Fransisco, the dubiously-titled B-comedy "Cougar Hunting" starring Lara Flynn Boyle, and "Cougar Town", a prime time show with Courteney Cox on ABC.

 Sassy, slutty, or trashy? That's up for you to decide.

If you're a novice cougar hunter and trying to bag and tag a trophy, here's a field guide to the many different sub-species of cougar, meant to be used in the field for observation and classification purposes. Happy hunting.

 [inline:cougarpie] The Vengeful Divorcee Cougar Commonly Found: Country clubs; yacht clubs; the gym

 Description: This puma's slick, hedge fund manager of an ex-husband was hot in the pants. With the assistance of a private investigator, she caught him banging his hot personal trainer at a Holiday Inn Express. Pissed she wasn't getting in on nearly as much action as her silver fox, she had the divorce papers drafted up. Except she agreed to a pre-nup back in the '80s before they were cool. Although she came out of the divorce with a time share in Maui, she's still filled with a deep-seated loathing toward anything that reminds her of husband, thus she'll hatefuck anyone under 28. Generally athletic, she sometimes hunts in packs with other bitter, ravenous, and obnoxious vengeful divorcees at exclusive enclaves.



The Sugarmamma Cougar 
Commonly Found: J. Crew; Bloomingdale's; outlet centers 

Description: Plastic and cash burn a hole through this cougar's wallet faster than a bull bucking out of the gate with a clamp around its balls. Her biggest thrill, besides sex with fashion-forward twentysomething males who can barely afford the rent in Brooklyn, is buying said twentysomethings a new wardrobe. She is the type of cougar who demands to pay the bar tab... and it's awesome.

 The Cheating Cougar Commonly Found: Drinking alone in the lobby bar of the Sheraton

 Description: Sick of her husband's erectile dysfunction, she's decided to step out on him by pulling a total Mrs. Robinson and getting a hotel room in the opposite side of town. After decades of not having Mr. Right quench her sexual appetite, she is ready for a clandestine escapade. She's neither the type to kiss and tell, nor go on the prowl with other pumas to brag about her conquests. She plays innocent in her duplicity and definitely doesn't wear a wedding band or a rock, but her solo presence, quickness to rub brush your leg, and oddly simple pick-up lines such as, "What brings you to town?" are sure signs you've spotted a cheating cougar.

 [inline:miss50] The Vacation Cougar
 Commonly Found: Cruise ships; Cabo; all-inclusive Caribbean Resorts; Las Vegas; Aspen

 Description: This housewife cougar usually has a stable personal life and could even be labeled somewhat of a puritan back at home. However, on a girls-only getaway to somewhere like Vegas, Cabo, or a cruise, she cuts loose after a few-too-many Mai Thais. She's a big believer of the area-code rule. Don't even think you're going to get a phone number when she sobers up in the morning. Arguably the most common sub-species of cougar. The Baby's Momma Cougar
 Commonly Found: The bank
 Description: Technically, this Cougar is best known as the "MILF," because she has cubs. A bun was in the oven the first semester of her freshman year at state college, back when "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was still climbing up the Billboard charts. She never could pinpoint who the father was. Now that her children are entering high school and she's lovingly spent the last 15 years working as a bank teller, her hormones are beginning to warm up again. You may have to awkwardly dodge her children by sneaking over during school hours, but it's worth it.
 [inline:school]The Intellectual Cougar
 
Commonly Found: Starbucks at 3 p.m.; Barnes & Noble; teaching MFA programs

 Description: Hot for teacher? Beware: this cougar appreciates your spunky, youthful worldview and optimistic outlook. Her years of reading Camus, Kafka, drinking coffee all afternoon, flings with graduate assistants, and generally being fucked over by men her own age have left her world weary, so she's ready to pounce on any young man who happens to read for pleasure. Her stalking methods include annoying attempts to illicit conversation in bookstores or coffee shops by recommending other titles and authors worth checking out. After your fuck session in her walk-up studio apartment, she nags about your grad school plans and offers to write a letter of recommendation.

 

The Old Maid Cougar
 Commonly Found: At a sports bar or college town nightclub

 Description: The party never stopped for this energetic 45-year-old sorority sister. Her instinct is PDA and beer pong.

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The All-Business Cougar
 Commonly Found: The elevator of an office building; an airport bar.

 Description: When it comes down to it, this cougar is the successful office hottie that every male intern and entry-level office jockey dreams of nailing. She is a smart businesswomen oozing sensual elegance, whether its the way she bounds into the office manger's office, bends over at the water cooler, or smoothly takes control of meetings in the conference room. Her personal life, however, is a little chaotic. She keeps an obnoxiously ornate condo, though rarely sleeps in it, preferring to spend nights alone in the office rather than alone at home, where she knows she would veg on a half gallon of ice cream while watching "American Idol" reruns. Her affinity for picking up the tabs of younger men at airport bars on the company AMEX may cost her her job someday, but it's a quick fix to meet her needs for excitement. In the bedroom, she's the boss. 

The Glory Days Cougar 
Commonly Found: High school football games

 Description: This cougar is usually a crestfallen ex-prom queen and somewhat similar to the Baby's Momma cougar. She still has a letterman's jacket somewhere on display and tries to alleviate midlife sexual boredom by telling you about the nauseating bedroom triumphs of yesteryear. You're most likely to meet her while supporting a younger sibling or cousin at a sporting event in your hometown.
 [inline:demi] The Starfucker Cougar
 Commonly Found: Los Angeles; the Hamptons Description: Most male cougar hunting connoisseurs never experience the fickle, fame-hungry mannerisms of the star fucker cougar. She is a rare breed with her voracious appetite for for fame and uncanny ability to fuck anyone to get (or stay) on the top.