Snowboard Bums are Ready for Another Totally Killer Winter of Shredding

Editor's Note: This is the second installment of a new column by Ned's Younger Brother, founder of the hilarious Bros Like This Site. Each week, Ned's Younger Brother will offer up character breakdowns of all the different types of Bros out there. Last week: the Masshole. Up next: the Snowboard Bum.

It's senior year. After arguing with your parents for weeks, they've finally dropped their decision: they won't pay for a fifth year. Fucking bro-haters. Your Dad's rich as shit so he said he would get you a job, but he also said you need to cut your hair first. Fuck if that's happening. What started out as a result of weed-induced laziness, your mane has become a part of you. Sure you haven't washed it in a week or so, but who the fuck cares? The smell gives you character. Anyway, with only a couple months left until graduation (fingers crossed), you're weighing your options. You could join the Peace Corps. You've always been a fan of learning about other more liberal cultures and shit, but this stems more closely to your never-ending crusade to legalize marijuana by posting on pro-weed message boards and signing online petitions than actually helping others. You could go to grad school like all your other slacker friends, but you're not quite sure your resume -- with its 2.01 GPA, lone extracurricular activity of "Intramural Ultimate Champion," and interests highlighted by "Man vs. Wild" -- is going to get you into anywhere decent. So as you pass a bowl and watch "Dazed and Confused" for the 30th time, your bro drops the movie quote that will change the next 5 to 10 years of your life.

"I know where we can go after graduation."

"Where?"

"Someplace warm. Someplace where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen."

Zip up your Northface jacket and throw on your Vans beanie. Welcome to your new life as a Snowboard Bum.

Every year around this time, while inspired career-oriented college grads (aka losers) start their entry-level jobs with sights set on making it to the top of the corporate ladder, Snowboard Bums have their sights on an equally important goal: conquering every double-fucking-black diamond on the mountain. Vail, Aspen, and Tahoe among others are popular destinations where the powder is always in killer carving condition. Snowboard bros will always justify their decision to use their college degree to clean dishes at the resort cafeteria by saying, "You know I just need a couple years off." I mean after four tough years of getting fucking hammered five nights a week and hitting spliffs 3 to 5 times a day, who could really blame them.

By far the most important part of being a Snowboard Bum is that you fucking love snowboarding above all else. Snowboard bros will tell everyone and their mother how much better snowboarding is than skiing, and if you disagree with them, they will think you are a fucking retard. "Just try it once, I promise that you will never go back to skiing," "The day I learned to snowboard literally changed my life," or "If you had a bad experience on the board, it's probably because you weren't high" are all common themes. Snowboard bros love to talk about all the nasty fucking wipeouts they've had and are more than willing to show you any bruises or scars (aka battle wounds) they've earned from boarding.

So the next time you head out to the Rockies for a Bros-Only Vacation and run into a guy working at the resort who you swear you used to get high with in college, don't brush it off as a coincidence. Extend the fist and pound that shit. While you labor behind a desk doing shit you don't care about, he's living the dream. Snowboard Bums: You truly are bros among men.

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