As the leaves start to turn, and it gets harder and harder to get out of bed for classes, every college bro can count on a couple of things:

1. The girls start to get uglier. I'm not sure how to explain this phenomenon. Maybe it's the multiple layers of clothing they bundle up in to walk to class, or their irrepressible fall appetites. Sorority girls eat like packs of chipmunks in the fall, getting their body fat to optimal levels before retiring for the long winter months.

2. Classes get harder. Exams start to pile up towards the end of October, and it doesn't get any easier until we all head home for winter break.

One of the most interesting/important fall traditions, however, is the inevitable visit to campus by your parents. Like a sailor sensing a storm far off on the horizon, every bro has come to fear the weekend when their parents set foot on the sacred playground of booze and beaver.

So how the hell do you prepare yourself to survive a couple of days with mom and pop scrutinizing every detail of your collegiate lifestyle? Here are a couple of do's, and some very important don'ts:

DO...

1. Make your bed and change your sheets. This simple, 30-second task will show your mom that you haven't forgotten everything she has tried to teach you. Plus, you've been sleeping on the same cum-drenched sheets for almost eight weeks by now -- it's time.

2. Move all of your condoms, lube, bowls, bubblers, bongs, grinders, and other contraband into your roommate's room or somewhere safe. This should be self-explanatory. You don't want to see your mom cry while your dad gives you a high-five and elicits a "That's my boy!" for all to hear.

3. Try and run into some faculty member (even if it's the woman serving chicken tenders at the cafeteria) who has a decent opinion of you and say hello in front of your folks. They will think you are a contributing member of society and this will also help pacify some of their concerns about your Madden addiction.

4. Have your parents take your roommates out to dinner. This is a double bonus. Your roommates will thank you (and hopefully reciprocate), and your parents will love the wonderful and surprisingly mature conversation that blossoms after a few bottles of wine.

DON'T...

1. Be the drunkest one at the party. If your parents see you acting like you normally do on a Saturday night, they will regret ever giving birth to you. Feel free to get rowdy, but maintain control. As tempting as it is, have someone else win the crown of shame that weekend.

2. Let your parents sleep over. It always blows my mind when I walk into a buddy's room and see his dad passed out on a couch that I've had sex on multiple times cuddled up in a blanket that's been used as a cum rag on multiple occasions. Make them get a hotel. Period.

3. Projectile vomit in front of them. I don't care if you have the swine flu or the Boone's Farm flu. Doing the gack dance in front of your parents is a disaster and guarantees your dad an entire plane ride full of listening to your mom go on and on about your drinking problem. Pace yourself.

4. Encourage your dad to return to his glory days and try to pick up chicks with you. I've seen this before and it is painful to watch. I don't care if he's a recent divorcee and on the prowl. No chick is going to bone a 50-year-old dad (unless of course you are George Clooney's love child or your dad is willing to whip out his check book and pay for some slut's implants) and having that stigma as the kid with the perverted old man doesn't bode well for the rest of the year. If he enjoys hitting the sauce and scoping out the bevy of beauties that make up your surroundings, just make sure he exercises good judgment.

If you follow the simple rules prescribed above, your parents are sure to leave campus reassured, and proud of the man that their son has become. Play your cards right and dad might even slip you a hundo before leaving for the airport.