I know what you're wondering before you even say it. What's the best way to chug a brew? The brew itself is what defines the bro. While we find comfort in lax, broads, fresh pepperoni 'za, and the occasional recreational drug, the brew stands alone at the center of the bro's heart.

When we first started killing brews in large quantities at around age 15 (maybe 16 if you're a late bloomer), I'm sure we all asked ourselves the same question: What's the fastest way to get through this rack? You may have even asked yourself: Why do we kill so many brews? That's a joke; if you asked yourself that, stop reading and get a buddy to kick you in the nuts. We all kill brews for the camaraderie and so we can have a reason to kick through a mint tin or two packs of butts in a night (not to mention it gives us an excuse when we bang fat chicks or wake up naked in a pool of our own piss three nights in a row.)

Well, needless to say, we all came of age one way or another and figured the ins and outs of killing brews. While everyone may have their own preference in style, I'm about to share with you my own personal brew-killing style power rankings. Get ready to get hurt...

(Important Side Note: You can always kill a brew faster standing up.)



5. THE PINT CHUG: While I hate to admit that they know how to kill brews overseas, they do. Our standard pints don't really have shit on the imperial pints in the U.K. Fuck it, though. The pint chug allows you to get more than the standard 12oz brew down at a single time. First rule of chugging brew: the more brew at once the better. Standing is definitely encouraged for this one.



4. BOTTLE SHOTGUN: I did my first bottle shotgun when I was about 12 brews deep at some shit hole bar in the Czech Republic. I guess it's a European thing. Get any bottle of brew and crack the top off. Stick a straw down into the full brew leaving the top of the straw sticking out and bent over the opening. Proceed to chug it, making sure that the straw remains bent, allowing air to flow out (hence the shotgun.) I think I first did this with like a Budweiser Budwar, or something un-American like that. I was skeptical when I saw some head do it for the first time, but it actually works pretty well.



3. KEG STAND: I feel like if I really have to describe this you shouldn't be reading this post in the first place. Standard procedure. Just make sure you have another bro lifting you and not some skank broad and her 100-pound friend. There's a lot of myth about how long a head can keep a stand going. Don't believe most of it. If you ever see someone refusing to get down even as all the brew streams down off his face and back onto the keg, call him out. It's a waste of brew, and he's a homo for wasting what I could be drinking.



2. FUNNEL: There is probably no faster way to kill brew. I just hate when it gets called a "Beer Bong." Don't know why, it just bothers me. I like to keep my brew and nugs in separate categories. I like to go with the 3- to 3.5-foot tube (clear of course, the threaded shit is harder to cut in the hardware store and doesn't flex well.) If you can find a funnel that has like 2-inch walls that run up straight from the slanted walls, buy it. Yea, brew killing is a science. The bigger the funnel, the more brew you can kill, thus the more hurt you can guess. The nose grease trick works to eliminate foam, but make sure the head pouring it for you isn't fucking fisting the whole brew with his hand. Remember, swine flu is going around.



1. SHOTGUN: What can I say really? I'll keep it short and sweet, because that's exactly what a shotgun should be. I know my cherry popped when I gunned my first brew. It was kind of like seeing God for the first time. Car keys are standard for cracking. If your friend drove and is being gay and not forking over the keys, use anything sharp (also, that "friend" shouldn't be allowed to be in the shotgun circle.) If you are stranded in the woods camping or something and literally have nothing sharp, use a canine tooth. Sack up, so what if you cut your gums? Be more prepared next time. Remember: the party revolves around every next shotgun, so keep up.

That's my two cents.

Keep Chaying,
Pillsbury