Does the Girl at the End of the Bar Want to Date You or Sleep with You?

One of The Mighty Muff's day jobs sometimes requires her to come up with personas -- i.e. profiles of target customers most likely to do... something fascinating. Like buy life insurance. Creating and analyzing personas is not particularly pleasurable between 9 and 6, but one recent night after four (er, 8) glasses of wine, we realized this can, in fact, be a valuable and amusing skill when applied to sex and dating. We became further convinced of this after observing so many of our male friends (or frankly, random dudes in a bar on whom we were eavesdropping) make valiant, yet misguided attempts to hit on the wrong women.

So behold the personas of two types of women you may be looking to meet out in a social situation, from what to look for when you walk in to what to watch for when you've smoothly moved in for the kill.

Persona 1: Boner-Tested, but Mom-Approved
This is the girl who's hot enough that she catches your attention, but you're looking to date her as opposed to just take her home tonight, get her number, and then never call her again. (That's Persona 2.)

Appearance: The date-able girl is often a bit of a paradox with the outfit. She's revealing legs or boobs, but not both. She's showing off her figure, but not skin. Common outfits for her normally consist of a tight dress but minimal skin showing. Or a short skirt and high heels with a modest shirt. Or tight jeans with some tank top advertising to-die-for cleavage. Again -- and we can't stress this enough -- NOT both at the same time. She's wearing make-up, but it's not overdone.

Facial Expression: She's smiling or laughing in a very natural way. She looks like she's engaged in what her friends are saying. She might be totally animated in the middle of telling a story. In short, she looks either interesting or interested.

Drink order: She is probably drinking one of the following four things: beer; something clear and bubbly (vodka soda, gin and tonic, etc.); something dark and bubbly (rum and coke, extra points for jack and coke); or white wine.

Friends: They're all of roughly the same attractiveness level, they all look relatively open and friendly until you come over, at which point they're probably a little protective. This is a good sign. Good-to-date chicks have solid friends who want to save her from douchebags. And until you prove otherwise, that means you. Extra tip: no matter how dateable this girl looks, never approach her in a pair. If she's a good friend, she's not leaving her girl, even if you have a wingman. Groups of three are optimal.

Topics of conversation: Any of the following are great signs of dating potential: sports, music, movies.

Body Language: Hair flipping. Playful punching.

The Ultimate Persona 1: Sloan from "Entourage," Rachel from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"

Persona 2: The Sure Thing
This is the girl you're probably looking for when you're super horny, newly single, already wasted, or some combination of the above. She is the ultimate wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am recipient. [Authors' note: We do not accept requests for refunds on Valtrex. You're welcome.]

Appearance: Remember how in Persona #1 we said legs or boobs, but not both? This girl is both, and then some. She's wearing something both low-cut and high-cut at the same time. If her shoes have clear plastic heels and exceed 4 inches, you're golden. If you can tell what style or color underwear she is wearing (or that -- hooray! -- she isn't wearing any), you are even more golden. Other clues that she's likely to sleep with you include over-processed or fake hair of any kind (extensions or fake lashes) or our personal favorite, body glitter.

Facial Expression: She's distracted -- looking around and watching people walk by, squinting as she sizes them up. This means she's actively on the prowl. She'll probably lick her lips once in awhile like she's getting ready to dive into a good meal. (She is.) Other facial expressions that point to success include the "Snoopy Look," which is the drooped eyelids that indicate she's drunk enough to make a bad decision, and the highly obvious but very effective "I'm using my tongue to play with my straw like it's your dick because it will be in 2 hours" move.

Drink order: She is probably drinking: red wine, shots, or something fruity in a martini glass. Or all three.

Friends: Your best bet is with the least attractive girl in a group of slutty-looking girls (essentially, all Persona 2s). This is because they are all looking for action, and she is likely trying to keep up with the herd and therefore be overzealous. The drunkest girl in that group is also a good bet, particularly if they're the same person. Also, if you approach her and her friends are quick to ditch just the two of you, it's because they know she is looking to get laid and are therefore leaving her to the task. All signs point to success.

Topics of conversation: If, within the first 10 minutes of talking, she brings up her favorite sex position, that home movie she made that one time, or pretty much anything that can be construed as sexual, you're obviously in. Party tricks like tying the cherry string into a knot with her tongue are also good omens.

Body Language: Lingering touches, caressing of muscular areas (biceps, chest, etc.), grinding to the beat of any song that comes on.

The Ultimate Persona 2: Beth from "The 40-Year-Old-Virgin," Darcy from "Varsity Blues"