We live in an age where people use fashion as a tool to express themselves and their own individuality -- which can be good or bad. You can tell certain things about a man or a woman, just based on what they are wearing. For instance; if a woman wearing a low-cut, red dress and 4-inch stiletto heals walks by me or sees me at a bar, she is most likely going to get the dick lashing of a lifetime later that night. Or, if a guy is wearing cargo pants with a dress shirt and tie to work, you can pretty much conclude that his prick's never seen the inside of anything other than his cat's ass.

For men, we are slightly more limited in our clothing choices but we can still look unique if we go about it properly. The double-edged sword we face is that in recent years, the world of fashion has given us more options than should ever be allowed, because let's face it, some guys have no clue when it comes to matching a T-shirt and shorts, let alone being well dressed or even put together in a respectable manner. There are some trends in fashion right now that could leave a clueless man looking like a complete douche bag. These trends involve repulsive clothes that should never be worn by a man, no matter the situation. Whoever determined that these five items below were "stylish," "fashionable," or "hip" is deserving of a swift and stubborn kick to their face:


T-Shirts with (not so) Clever Sayings
The truth is, champ, you don't "pre-game harder than I party," that isn't "what she said," you haven't had sex so you can't "pull-out," and you're not "Jesus' homeboy." In fact, along with the rest of us, he hates your fucking guts. Now go silkscreen that on a tee.

Ed Hardy Gear
Each and every product that he has designed is a crime against humanity. I'd like to find Ed Hardy and shove both his hands in my fucking garbage disposal so he can never design anything ever again. Come to think of it, Jon Gosselin will probably hang himself upon receiving the news of Ed's plight. Two douches, one stone. Well done, Waffles.


Skinny Jeans
You would have to possess not even one shred of dignity or self-respect to attempt to wear these. Take a look in the fucking mirror; you are wearing denim spandex for Christ's sake. Any man who is small enough to even fit in these should go get tested to make sure his dick isn't just an over-sized labia. If the tests results come back negative, go to the gym and gain 20 lbs. and take a stab at becoming a man.


Affliction T-shirts
I can't quite peg the vibe that people wearing these are trying to give off. Perhaps it's their way of saying, "Not only do I view myself as a destructive badass but I also have incredibly poor taste." Looking at you wearing such unsightly threads is certainly causing destruction to my patience and my pupils. Mission accomplished.


Capri Pants (AKA "Shmants," "Mari's" or "This is my way of telling you that I enjoy sucking dick pants")
There are maybe a few people (a "few" means Rafael Nadal and one other guy) in this world that can pull these off without coming across as a complete jerk-off and my sense is that you are not one of them. So take them off and have a close friend smash your head off a cement wall.


Honorable Mention:
Crocs, Cargo Pants, Leather Pants, Birkenstocks, Designer clothes with over-sized logos all over them, Rollerblades, White Sunglasses, Speedos and just about anything from Hollister/American Eagle/ Abercrombie -- dreadful cologne included.