The Top 10 Things You Should Never Do at a Strip Club
by Waffles McButter | August 26, 2009 - 8:50am | 4 comments - 28 reads8. Don't try to fondle the girls A lap dance isn't an open invitation for you to bury your fist in her vagina. Conduct such as fingering, getting pipe jobs, and even sex might fly in the champagne room -- depending on how much your temptress would like to earn that night -- but anything of that nature in the main room is off-limits. 7. Never go bareback in the champagne room The only thing worse than raw-dogging a stripper is if that stripper just so happens to be a transgender. That would mean that you've not only gone bareback, but you have also unknowingly gone "Brokeback." Don't be an idiot: If she is fucking you it's safe to assume that you are not the first to ride this train. As much as you want to believe that your striking good looks (and the bath you took in Drakkar Noir earlier) won her over, she is not fucking you because you're her long-lost soul mate. She is fucking you because you have money, which in turn will feed her crank habit. 6. Don't arrive with a built-up load Getting an erection when a naked girl grinds all over your Johnson is what makes you a man, it's human and natural. What is not so human and natural is if you bust a nut in your brand new Dockers. That is just downright embarrassing. 5. Don't fall in love A stripper is to your dick as alcohol is to your brain -- a party favor meant for a good time and nothing else. Sure they look and feel like real human beings but strippers garner as much respect as a used tampon and you wouldn't fall in love with a bloody cunt plug would you? 4. Don't go with your girlfriend's brother There are obviously two exceptions to this rule. One is my situation this weekend; my sister's fiance has no choice in this matter and the other situation is when you have been friends with your girlfriend's brother for longer than you have been dating her. If he hates his sister, feel free to dip your cock, as if it were a Dunkaroo, in a stripper's axe wound. 3. Don't ask to see pictures of her kids I'm sure little Crystal and Meadow are both gorgeous little girls with a full set of teeth between them, greasy blond hair, and grotesque psoriasis, but you don't need to know them, do you? Hell, the girl riding your thigh like it's a hobby-horse probably wishes she didn't have to know them either. So let's not spoil the evening bringing up her past mistakes. 2. Don't ask to see her exit wounds Save for any sick fucks out there; you are better off not seeing her C-section scars or any other masticated part of her genitals. That will just make you nauseas and potentially cause you to never want to see a pussy ever again. Strip Clubs are supposed to make you admire the female form, not cause you to become bi-curious. 1. Don't make it rain If you have the intention of giving all the money you toss (like a pompous ass) into the air to the strippers, then by all means, knock yourself out, champ. But if you are a just a poser who is going to toss 30 singles in the air and then scurry to grab them before the strippers do, don't waste your time. As a matter of fact, go suck on an exhaust pipe if the thought of doing that even crosses your mind. The only other time I can see this foolish act being acceptable is if while you're doing it, you shout, "I'm Pac-Man Jones, Bitches!!" This, of course means that after your proclamation, you would have to assault at least one stripper and break rule 10 by having your home boy carry a handgun and then fire it into the spine of an innocent man rendering his lower half completely useless from that day forth.
exit wounds… Rends me of one of the greatest feature films of my generation in which DMX was wrecklessly robed of an Oscar for best supporting actor. From that day forward ihave questioned the legitimicy of the commity.
Expertly executed Waffles. Only one I’d like to throw in for consideration is telling your girlfriend that you went to a strip club after the fact. She won’t be cool with it and will immediately assume you contracted gonorrhea just by being there.
Well played sir, but a possible add on to the list could consist of never go to the shitty titty located right off the overpass and accommodating truck parking. The list of STD’s found on every surface of such classy environments as this could only be surpassed by the number of dumb fuck ups that is accredited to Britney Spears.
LMAO “brokeback” omg I havent laughed this hard in a couple of days.. great f’ing article