15 Ways to Tell if You are a Sex Addict

[inline:sex]Call it what you want -- fucking, boning, ravaging, dinner at grandma's -- but sex makes the world go round. If humans were forced to abstain from sex our species would eventually become extinct. Could you imagine if that happened? It would be like "Footloose" but only on a much larger and catastrophic scale. Hopefully, unlike "Footloose," it would be free from any ridiculous montages in which Kevin Bacon is cavorting around like a fruitcake.

I know for a fact that if I couldn't have sex -- something I cherish more than most friendships I have -- I'd lose my fucking marbles. And while this forced abstinence would cause regular whores, like your kid sister and me, to become depressed, it would literally kill sex addicts. These nymphomaniacs have a problem -- granted a much cooler one than say bulimia or Prader Willi syndrome, but a problem nonetheless.

[inline:waffles]I know what you're saying to yourself, "Gee whiz, how on earth would I know if I am a sex addict?" Well, champ, you first need to assess a few things. Is sex affecting your life negatively? And by that, I don't mean that you jerk off so much that all your socks can be used as casts or that you own and frequently use all four variations of the Fleshlight. I am referring to an addiction so great that it literally consumes and ruins your life -- like being fat. Below is a list of 15 ways for a man to determine if he might be a sex addict.

(Authors Note: I am not, nor have I ever been, a licensed sexologist. I also do not have any qualifications for correctly diagnosing sex addiction or even the common cold. I am merely a pervert who adores a nice muff and has a penchant disturbing things.)

A Man Might Be a Sex Addict If...

1. You've been hospitalized from trying to suck your own dick. We've all tried it, but if you have the fortitude to not give up once you realize you won't reach it, you're either a perfectionist or a weirdo.

2. You've fucked the gasoline tank of your car. With gas prices so high these days, it might not be a bad idea to experiment with alternative fuel sources.

3. Your family no longer allows you to "stuff the turkey" on Thanksgiving. No further explanation necessary, you fucked a dead bird.

4. You'd fuck your own mother if it meant ending a slump. If there already isn't, there should be a law against this. And the punishment should be fatal.

5. You've been banned from Dunkin' Donuts. For an incident involving a Boston Cream donut and your constant longing for it to have a hole.

6. You have literally stuck your cock in a warm apple pie. How very "American Pie" of you. I hope you now have 3rd-degree burns on your junk from it.

7. You've made sexual advances at women so old that they almost have no business being alive. "Hey girl, let me take a whiff of your colostomy bag."

8. You'd knowingly fuck a tranny... pre-op. Though this could also just mean that you are bi-curious or a full-blown homosexual.

9. You were once married to Halle Berry and you cheated on her. Eric Benet, you became somebody by marrying the hottest broad in town and then you literally "fucked" it up. I bet you wish you were a heroin addict.

10. You've begun to lead a double life. At night you fuck the daylights out of women but when the sun comes up you have sex with farm animals.

11. You'd fuck Hillary Clinton. We can prove that Bill has done this only once, thankfully.

12. You've gotten an erection from looking at a piece of Swiss cheese. Personally I prefer a nice Jarlsberg or the occasional smoked Havarti.

13. You'd have no reservations about fucking a dwarf. Assuming you yourself were not a dwarf nor were you 5'2" or under.

14. You'd gladly have a threesome with Janet Reno and Rachel Dratch. I would bet all of my savings (which sadly, is only a paltry sum) that both of their vaginas smell like a landfill on a 90-degree day.

15. You are the bastard son of Wilt Chamberlain. Good luck living up to those expectations.

Because I love them, I am going to do 5 ways a female might know if she is a sex addict. (And for the record, ladies, if you are sexually attracted to me, that doesn't mean you're a sex addict, it just means your have excellent vision and superior taste.)

A Woman Might be a Sex Addict If...

1. Nothing short of an industrial-grade power washer could stimulate your clitoris. If you're not careful, your vagina will begin to erode ultimately causing your clitoral hood to collapse. Or so I've heard.

2. Your phone is always on vibrate and you carry it in your flesh purse. You also carry your keys, compact, and wallet in there.

3. You have stuck every produce item on your grocery list into your vagina. And you are only a Hungry Man and a box of Eggos away from completing the frozen food aisle.

4. You would fuck Kevin Federline. My worst nightmare would be having a revolver with one bullet and having to choose between him and Spencer Pratt. Lucky for me I have always been a whiz at solving word problems. I'd shoot Federline and then I'd kill Pratt with my bare hands. Is it weird that I just got a raging boner from thinking about that?

5. You whistle at construction workers. And then you subsequently inquire about how you can get your hands on one of their jackhammers for an evening.