You kids today are so spoiled. In my day, we didn't have this Netflix crap. We had to hop in a car to a video store, and you prayed that the last copy of "Major League" was in. And the Internet? Back in my day, you had to work for your female nudity, stealing dirty magazines and hoping Phil Donahue would have a show on exotic dancers. You counted your lucky stars if an older brother or cool uncle had a porno video.

In the 1980s we also had real music stars, who starred in crappy music videos. Notwithstanding the few trailblazers like Michael and Madonna, we didn't have any of this fancy choreographed stuff from film school snobs. Our musical heroes embarrassed themselves regularly, and we loved it.

In fact, so should you. One of the best parts of the 1980s is how stupendously lame some of the music videos were. Here are five overlooked classics:

"Pamela" by Toto
You're a music video director circa 1988. The song you're putting images to is about a girl, yet the musical performer is racing toward middle age, and not in a George Clooney kind of way. The solution? Shoot the haggard musical act and the beautiful ladies separately! A lot of videos did this, but "Pamela" stands out because nothing (and I mean nothing) makes sense. Why are there, like, 30 girls featured? And why are they doing fucking random things, like playing with a soccer ball in a garage or twirling an umbrella outside of a warehouse? Who is Pamela? Was she the lone Toto groupie?

"I Wish I Had a Girl" by Henry Lee Summer
The song presents a dilemma many bros have encountered. Despite their best efforts, they can't find that special someone. Mr. Summer's solution is to stalk and accost a collection of women with a persistence that borders on sexual assault. Somehow, that repellent behavior doesn't bother the smitten young woman who follows and laughs at his repeated efforts. Aside from the fact that if you squint, Summer's eventual lady love looks uncomfortably like him, why was she following him? Ugh. I feel like I'm watching a Todd Solondz movie. Let's move on.



"Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier
I find it amazing that this actually happened. Squier was one of the biggest rock stars of the early 1980s, a macho guy who played guitar-heavy anthems like "Lonely is the Night" and "The Stroke." Enter director Kenny Ortega (the man who choreographed "Dirty Dancing"), who allowed Squier to prance around like Bob Fosse and Truman Capote's love child, and ruin his career. Answers.com describes "Rock Me Tonite" as "one of the most inadvertently hilarious videos of all time." Yeah, that'll do.



"Lady (You Bring Me Up)" by The Commodores
I'm willing to bet the cost of shooting was around $150, most of it for the girls' make-up and box lunches. The park was free. The community center donated the soccer ball. The referee had just done a pee-wee scrimmage. The girls were on loan from Jack Horner's latest film. Even the Commodores saved time and money, creating their dance routine at the craft services table, along with the concept and storyline for the video. Also, if you thought women's fashion was awful in the 1980s, check out what the boys from Tuskegee are wearing. I swear their shorts are more skimpy than the women's.



"How Can I Fall" by Breathe
Not only does it look like the world's most expensive deodorant commercial, it has a storyline constructed by an eight year old: "O.K., so there's this wedding... Or maybe it's an outdoor cafe. I don't really know. And they're lots of beautiful people there. And there's a stick-ball game. Someone gets angry. And then the one greasy-haired guy gets with the poofy-haired girl. Or maybe she leaves him. Oh, yeah, then it starts raining."