The Fat 5: The NFL Coaches Who Could Replace Their Entire O-Lines

by Waffles McButter | July 17, 2009 - 6:47am | 0 comments - 28 reads

This is our second installment of the Fat 5 -- a column in which we glorify gluttons with glandular problems. Although, I think "The Biggest Loser" has proven that 99% of morbidly obese people suffer from laziness and poor nutrition, not an underachieving thyroid. But I digress. Keeping with our football theme, this time we want to shine a bright, defamatory light on professional football's fattest assess roaming the sidelines. To describe these men as fat would be similar to calling Rembrandt an O.K. doodler. From what I can tell these men were each making an attempt at sacking all seven deadly sins. Seven-figure NFL coaching contract: greed; lust for a woman quickly turned into lust for food which -- BAM! -- led to gluttony. And, let's face it, once gluttony set in, all desire, hope, and drive to complete the other four left these men quicker than a three-course meal at Taco Bell. [inline:reid] Andy Reid: Andy's swollen stomach and overworked heart muscles should be the least of his worries. Two of his five children are law-breaking, heroin-shooting degenerates, he has hideous red facial hair, and he's never managed to win when it matters. In his 10 seasons as head coach, Reid has led the Eagles to an impressive five NFC Championship Games. Too bad the fat shit has only been able to manufacture a 1-4 record in said games, not to mention a lean 0-1 Super Bowl record. We can at least conclude one thing from all this: Andy appears to be a loser in all facets of his life.

[inline:ryan] Rex Ryan: He should swap last names with Rex Grossman, because this two-ton beast is just that: a fucking gross man. Rex is a true example of being a product of one's environment: his father Buddy Ryan was a football coach, so he grew up to be a football coach; his father was a fucking fat ass, so now he himself is a fucking fat ass. [inline:romeo] Romeo Crennel: Because he had the odds stacked so high against him for the last few years, I am willing to cut Romeo some slack in the physique department. The poor bastard was not only the head coach for a historically dog-shit team but he is getting up there in age and he was forced to live in Cleveland at least six months out of the year. Forget being obese, the fact that he even had the will to live amazes me. [inline:mangini] Eric Mangini: Something just dawned on me, Bill Belichik only had two requirements for his assistant coaches: 1) be a fat slob, and 2) become a miserable failure as a head coach. Mangini, Crennel, and Charlie Weis have all hit the nail right on the head. Mangini, the smallest of the three has been called "Man-genius," and while I understand this handle is a play on his name, there is no concrete evidence to suggest this man is any more bright than a child who wears a helmet on the playground. In fact, his record as a head coach might imply that he should be the one wearing the helmet, lest he lose any more braincells. [inline:holmgren] Mike Holmgren: The picture -- taken after a Seahawks victory last season -- says it all. Look how visibly dejected he is upon finding out that they ran out of spare ribs in the post-game buffet line. Perhaps in retirement Mike will find a new love for physical fitness. It's not like he or any of the other generously proportioned men mentioned above have been surrounded by elite athletes with bodies that rival gods for their entire careers.