The Fat 5: The Most Gloriously Rotund Coaches in College Football

by Waffles McButter | July 16, 2009 - 8:00am | 1 comment - 32 reads

[inline:wi]With the college football season slowly creeping up on us, we thought it would be a grand idea to point a finger and laugh at the game's fattest coaches. Why? Because we love college football... and we love being huge ~~slanderous~~ pricks. All of the chubby fucks listed below are so un-aesthetically pleasing that I feel the American public is owed some sort of financial restitution for having to look at them. Sadly, you will not receive any such restitution here so don't ask. [inline:weiss] Charlie Weis, Notre Dame: The look on his face in this picture leads me to believe that someone just clued him in about the abnormally large growth he has above AND below his belt. His expression says, "Did he... did he just say I have a cunt belly?!?!" Yes, he certainly did. I fucking loathe this man for several reasons and although I can look past the fact that he walks around with an oversized FUPA and what seems to be perpetual spit residue in the corners of his mouth, I cannot turn a blind eye to his incessant need to give Notre Dame Football the Terri Shiavo treatment. Since he has taken the helm, the Pacifistic Irish have been dying an incredibly slow and painful death. At least we all got to experience the joy of watching him blow out his knee on national television.

[inline:mangino] Mark Mangino, Kansas: This portly fella looks like a cross between an overweight infant and Jabba the Hut. To say he has a weight problem would be like saying Mel Gibson has a minor beef with Jews. His arteries probably look like a combination of engine sludge and globs of my poo. Come to think of it, his exterior isn't a far cry from that either. Even though his physique is a disgrace, fat Mangino has at least made Kansas's football team respectable since he started. [inline:fulmer] Phillip Fulmer, Tennessee: Sure he's retired, but isn't he a bit of a fat disaster? Hell yes he is! When he was coaching he could be found pacing the sideline dressed like a fucking pumpkin in his orange sweaters, which were accented nicely by his bulbous gut. Of the group, Phil is by far the least likely to randomly slip into cardiac arrest and it just so happens that the sveltest of these fat shits is also the only one to have a National Championship under his slightly expanded belt. Well done, sir. As a matter of fact, until someone mistakes Mangino for a house and strings up some Christmas lights on him, he will remain the most decorated obese man in college football. [inline:frie] Ralph Friedgen, Maryland: In this picture, the coach of the Maryland Terrapins is yelling either one of two things to God: 1. "Why on earth did you make me so fucking fat?" 2. "When the fuck is McDonald's going to bring back the McRib!?!?" No matter the question, God's response is always the same, "Shut up you obese fuck! I'm busy watching reruns of Matlock." [inline:ams] Tom Amstutz, Toledo: The former coach of Toledo isn't as well known as the aforementioned fat asses, but I'll be god damned if he isn't a side of bacon away from needing a quadruple bi-pass. I'd also be god damned if he looked me in the eye and told me he's seen his dick in the last 10 years (without reflective assistance). During his stint at Toledo, Amstutz led his team to three, count \`em, THREE Motor City bowls. Impressive? Not for a slender man, but for a lard ass, it's a grand accomplishment. Sadly in his final three seasons with the team, his lust for baked goods apparently overshadowed his will to win, causing his team to go a dismal 13-23.