Forget the Home Run Derby. Did You See That Celebrity Softball Game?

by Handsome B. Wonderful | July 14, 2009 - 9:46am | 0 comments - 2 reads

[inline:boogie] I'm a pretty big baseball fan, yet I abstain from watching the pageantry of the All Star game and its related functions. Some people swear by the Home Run Derby, but to me it's glorified batting practice, only with the constant man shrieking of Chris Berman (give us something other than "Backbackbackbackbackback..." please, anything). The game itself only serves as a star showcase, and it's an irrelevant one. The All-Star game was cool pre-Internet and pre ESPN8, when you actually got to see players like Tim Raines and Paul Molitor for the first time. I did discover one chestnut from the mid-summer break that I will return to year after year: the Taco Bell All-Star Legends & Celebrity Softball Game. While looking for SportsCenter, I found this spectacle and couldn't tear myself away. It was like "Boogie Nights" -- a mixture of comedy and tragedy that was absolutely compelling. This should be the crown jewel of the mid-summer night's classic. In less than an hour of watching, I came away with a handful of treasured memories. Here are a few: -- A clearly disinterested Gary Thorne, usually a real pro, providing half-hearted play-by-play with Rick Sutcliffe. He mispronounced Jenna Fischer's name; he admitted this is a game that doesn't count (really? the C-list team won't move ahead of the D-listers in the standings if they win?). It was like watching Harry Doyle in "Major League," but in real life, but without the fans on the Reservation providing their own play-by-play. The highlight came near the end of the game, when Sutcliffe (trying a little too hard) discussed what manager Mike Golic might say to rally his team. Thorne's reply: "Nobody's listening."

Also priceless, Sutcliffe's description of the game, which features "gold gloves, gold records, and some golden arms." -- Rollie Fingers looking like Frank Zappa; Billy Bob Thornton looking like everyone's eighth-grade algebra teacher; the startling fact that there are professional female softball players and they're all built like Brandon Jacobs. -- Erin Andrews, bravely returning from her foul ball tragedy in New York, doing sideline interviews, further emphasizing her own beautiful pointlessness. -- Bob Knight trying ever so hard to be funny and grandfatherly, as if that will obliterate the memory of "A Season on the Brink" and its aftermath. There's a good chance that if Bob Knight from 1986 somehow met Bob Knight from 2009, the former would kill the latter. -- Shawn Johnson (in short shorts) flipping to first base. That'll do. -- Nelly playing like Rickey Henderson, leading Sutcliffe to espouse (with apologies to the Hall of Famers on the field) that the St. Louis-born rapper has the best swing of everyone there. Well, of course, he does. He's one of the few people on the field not flirting with arthritis. -- Andy Richter dropping two easy tosses to him at first base. He did hit a home run, which made me surprisingly happy. -- Fifty-four-year-old Ozzie Smith making a leaping catch, proving he hasn't lost a step. After the game, he warmly shook hands with some of the softball players, and you could tell he was such a nice, warm guy. That's what sports lacks today: human beings. You can have tonight's All-Star game, but I've more than gotten my fix. I can't wait until next year for the gold records and golden arms to take the field again.