I'm interning at a pretty sick hedge fund this summer in NYC that naturally my dad hooked me up with so I have to try my best to make a good impression. The guys at the office know I like to party so I usually get asked to tag along when they want to go out and have a big night. However, there are a few dudes in the office who are so fucking lame that I try to avoid them at all costs. There's this one dude who thinks he's fucking Gordon Gecko with hair waxed back, initials embroidered on his custom button downs, and Gucci buckle loafers in every situation. I imagine that paints a pretty clear picture... this dude is a giant homo.

Anyways, last week we have a late night at the office and after I finished up this bullshit assignment for this douchebag, he invites me out to a late dinner. I make up every possible excuse about how I can't make it but he won't let me bail. So we head downtown to this burger place that no matter what hour it is, there is always a line. It's about midnight when we put our name down on the list and they tell us it will be about a 30-minute wait (only in fucking New York would people wait 30 minutes for a burger at midnight on a Tuesday). We sit down at the bar and order a round of beers (Bud Heavy draft for me, Michelob Ultra for Boy George). We're having awkward dialogue until I notice out of the corner of my eye a beautiful angel sitting a few stools down with a sad look on her face. She catches me staring and kind of gives me a half smile, half puppy dog eyes expression.

Finally after exchanging glances, she interrupts our conversation and asks how we get a table... smart girl. I obviously invite her to join our table and she happily accepts. Five minutes later our name is called and we are seated at a table in the back. The Gordon Gecko imposter thinks I'm a legend for inviting her to join us and does every obnoxious move in the books to impress her. Flashes his watch, talks about his house in the Hamptons, he could not be a bigger loser. She is polite while he tells these stories but you could tell there was something in the back of her mind that she wanted to lay out on the table. We ask her to tell us a little about herself and without holding back, she tells us that she just got dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years and he had already moved onto a new girl, a former co-worker of hers. Clearly distraught, this chick is guzzling Pinot Noirs at the dinner table as I stare at this fragile dove who is so clearly giving the signs that she needs a rebound stuff. My only poor play of the evening is when she asks us both how old we are and not having a good barring on her age, tell her my actual age (21). She turns out to be 31 which plays perfectly for Don Juan next to me who is 35. I definitely lose footing but I refuse to go out without a fight.

After dinner, I suggest we head back to my apartment and drink some more. This upsets Don Juan who thought I was going to throw in the towel after dinner. Sweetheart is not playing favorites but I can tell she is torn about my age. I'm a fucking idiot. When she gets up to use the bathroom I start deliberating with Don Juan over who should land the prized jewel. Right as he begins to go into a rant about seniority and how I should back down, etc., his phone rings and who is it? His fucking girlfriend wondering why he's not home at 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday. He looks like a kid who just got caught ripping ass in class and sneaks out of my apartment before she gets out of the bathroom. Things are starting to look up.

When she comes out she asked where Don Juan went but is not too crushed to hear that he had other things to attend to. We watch about 10 minutes of MTV's new classic program, "Is She Really Dating Him?" before we start making out on my couch. This chick is fucking hot so I'm starting to get really into it when she stops for a second and says that she has something to tell me. She goes very seductively, "Listen I can only do one thing with you tonight..." then reaches into her purse and pulls out a purple 6 inch vibrator and says, "I want you to use this on me." WHAT THE FUCK?

Naturally I oblige and start plugging her with this purple pocket rocket that is causing her to nearly convulse. It's entertaining watching her squeal like a pig but at the same time, I know how crazy of a bang she'd be so I feel like I'm missing out. I keep blasting her and ask her if there is anything else I can do to pleasure her. With the most incredibly sexy look on her face she replies, "Well there is one thing..." "What's that" I reply back. "Well I love it when a guy puts it his mouth and then sticks it inside." Jesus this girl is stripping me of all my manhood. Why the fuck did I say I was 21?

So of course, without hesitation I get down on my knees and put the end of the vibrator in my mouth and get a quarter of an inch away from her beautiful brazilian waxed box and insert. This drives her twice as crazy and she begins to orgasm over and over. Feeling a combination of both pride and shame, I stay down there until my teeth begin to hurt from chattering so much. She pulls me up by my hair and falls into my arms sweaty and worn out. Politely, I nudge her a bit and seek some form of reciprocity for my efforts but it goes completely unnoticed and she just passes out on the couch. Not the way I wanted to end my night but definitely a fitting conclusion to a glorious night with a chick looking to take advantage of an impressionable 21 year old.