Our Top 10 Favorite Criminal Athletes… and What They Were Probably Drinking at the Time

Let's cut right to the white Ford Bronco chase: Below is a list of our favorite delinquent athletes of all time. Let's kick off this party with a bang shall we? [inline:OJ] O.J. Simpson Also currently known as Inmate #1027820 of the Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, Nevada. O.J. was like the girl who despite knowing she was the love of your life you let get away. Regret consumed you, sleeping was impossible, eating was a chore, and even sex seemed to be a task (O.K., that might be an overstatement). But like all great loves that were meant to be, this one came crawling back. Roughly 15 years ago, the Juice "allegedly" played the role of God by hacking his ex-wife Nicole and her table-serving lover Ron to pieces. Because the jury of his peers was comprised of fucking idiots and yeast infections, he got away with it. Luckily for us, O.J. was always an overachiever, so merely getting away with murder didn't satisfy his criminal palate. In September of 2007, Simpson, like Robin Hood, led his band of merry men into a casino and attempted to steal back sports memorabilia he claimed had been stolen from him. On December 5, 2008, Simpson was sentenced to a total of 33 years in prison, with the possibility of parole in 9 years. You heard it here first folks -- 9 years from now, Orenthal James Simpson will not only be released from prison but if there is a just God in this universe, he will also have the most unfastened asshole in America. I'm not sure how'd we know that since I don't think the Census Bureau accounts for such a thing, so we'll just have to assume it as fact. And then maybe he'll go back to looking for Nicole and Ron's killer on the golf course. What I believe he was drinking at the time: 100% pure Florida orange juice. The local grocery didn't have the "pulp free" like O.J. preferred that day. So essentially he can blame it on the Juice, had him feeling loose... and bloodthirsty.

[inline:tank] Tank Johnson His 2006 arrest was for weapons charges after police raided his house and found six firearms and four small Mexican children (actually, the little Latinos detail is pure speculation on my part). In an earlier arrest in 2006 he was charged with battery and resisting arrest after a quarrel with police who were attempting to ticket his limo outside a nightclub. The officer maced Tank after he allegedly said, "You ain't the only one with a Glock. If it wasn't for your gun and your badge, I'd kick your ass." I included Tank in this list because if he fails at or retires from football, his name alone will make him a huge porn star... Tank Johnson. I'm actually hoping to be his agent, so ladies with loose vaginas inquire within. What I believe he was drinking at the time: Nothing. His name is Tank for fuck's sake; he doesn't need drugs or alcohol to get riled up. He just needs some pig-cop to ticket his limo -- which may or may not have been illegally parked in a fire lane. Did I mention his name is Tank? [inline:darryl] Darryl Strawberry Why is he making the list you may ask? Because he is my all-time favorite ballplayer, that's why. He is also present because on April 3, 1999, he was arrested for soliciting sex from a policewoman posing as a prostitute and for possessing cocaine. For starters, you cannot blame him for being a coke head; there was more coke flying around that Mets clubhouse than sunflower seeds, Bazooka Joe, and steroids combined. And as for soliciting a prostitute, I see no harm in that -- it sounds like a fine time to me. Quite frankly the only crime Strawberry ever committed was abandoning my Mets. Shame on you Daryl. Shame on you for breaking a young boy's heart. What I believe he was drinking at the time: Well it's pretty obvious that he probably ingested his weight in cocaine that night. He ate it, snorted it and probably even found a way to use it as milk for his cheerios. Well done, sir. [inline:tonya] Tonya Harding The former "Pride of the Northwest" has had quite the little stumble from grace throughout her career. Practically no one, not even Tonya herself, ever gave a fuck about her until she conspired in the ruthless clubbing of fellow competitor Nancy Kerrigan just months prior to the 1994 Winter Olympics. After that little spat, Tonya went on to have her own sex tape and even dabbled in professional boxing. Although lackluster, her 3-3 record in the squared circle was still better than Glass Joe's. What I believe she was drinking at the time: White Zinfandel...She always drank White Zinfandel... [inline:plax] Plaxico Burress I am not sure Plax actually committed a crime here -- aside from being a complete and utter jack off. The guy shot himself in the leg -- end of discussion. Sure you could argue that the rouge bullet could have killed someone, but it didn't. And that's unfortunate for Plax's street cred. To reiterate, this man is an asshole and a moron if for no other reason than going out to a club with a gun wearing sweatpants. What I believe he was drinking at the time: Plax looks like he'd be a huge fan of Diddy, so I am compelled to believe he was sucking back some Ciroc when he shot his own person with a Glock. [inline:daly] John Daly A tried and true lover of booze, John sucked down so much at a Hooters in North Carolina and became so unruly and belligerent that they had to call the police. Although big John was only behind bars for 24 hours, the way he got there was so fitting that it was almost poetic -- not to mention his mug shot is giving Nick Nolte a run for his money. What I believe he was drinking at the time: Shots of Jack Daniels chased with Coors Lights. John is and always will be an All-American drinker. I'd be shocked if he wouldn't drink his own urine before he drank an import. Shocked. [inline:tyson] Mike Tyson Rape, road rage, and possession of narcotics are all on Iron Mike's distinguished rap sheet. How he didn't get convicted of something -- perhaps assault -- when he bit off Evander Holyfield's ear is beyond my realm of thought. To my father's displeasure, I still cheer for Tyson. His career may be over and he somehow managed to squander $400 million, but something about him keeps me coming back. It must be his speech impediment. I've always been a sucker for slurred speech. (By the way, check him out in "The Hangover": his cameo goes far beyond just belting it out to Phil Collins.) What I believe he was drinking at the time: Hennessey, no fuckin' doubt in my mind. [inline:najeh] Najeh Davenport In July of 2002, the then-Green Bay Packer rookie fullback was arrested for criminal mischief and burglary. Late one April night, Davenport, a former football star at the University of Miami (my alma mater) crept into a woman's dorm room at a neighboring Miami university. Did Najeh hurt anyone you ask? No. Did he rape that poor girl? No, again. Turns out old Najeh just had to take a load off. The girl awoke from her sleep to find Najeh shitting like a mad man in her laundry basket -- a proud day for all Cane's fans. The Phantom Shitter was sentenced to roughly 100 hours of community service and while he received only a slap on the wrist, after the sentencing was over the defecator continued to argue his innocence by saying, "Where's the evidence? Where's the manure?" Check your asshole Najeh, you're full of it. What I believe he was drinking at the time: He rufied himself and then drank a near-lethal dosage of Colonblow. Back in '02 it was all the rage at "The U." [inline:vick] Michael Vick Dog lovers the world over hate this man and I suppose it's with good cause. Mike was the ringleader of an illegal dog fighting operation. If a dog lost or was too beat up from the fight, the dog got killed. And boy did Mike have some unique and unconventional methods of murder -- drowning, beating, kicking; the sick bastard probably even fucked one or two of them to death. In 2007, Mike was convicted of this heinous crime and sentenced to some hard time behind bars. I think a more fitting punishment would have been for Vick and his accomplices to all tie razor blades to their dicks and have a good old-fashioned cock fight. The rules would be simple, the winner keeps his penis. Now that is how you teach someone a lesson. The good news is that Mike claims to be rehabilitated and even found Jesus while behind bars. I wonder if Leavenworth is aware that they are housing some people's lord and savior. What I believe he was drinking at the time: Although Vick failed a drug test for marijuana while behind bars, the last time I checked pot doesn't make a man slay semi-defenseless animals. My suspicion is that Vick and his posse smoked large amounts of crack prior to bludgeoning the dogs. Maybe they even washed it down with some Hypnotic for good measure? [inline:packman] Adam "Pacman" Jones Although a frequent delinquent, it wasn't until the morning of February 19, 2007, that Pacman etched his place in athletic criminal history. While at club Minxx in Las Vegas, Nevada, Jones is alleged to have been involved in an altercation with a dancer. By "dancer" I am referring to the kind that de-clothes and then conducts a one-woman tit and pussy parade around a stage for dollar bills -- I believe the laymen refer to these classy dames as "strippers." Anyway, apparently Pacman strolled into the club with upwards of $80,000 (such a baller) and throughout the night he proceeded to "make it rain" all over the dance floor. What's even more ballin' is that Pacman instructed his cronies to pick up the money once some of the dancers attempted to gather the bills and stuff them deep within their cervixes. Apparently, when Jones noticed the girls grabbing the money he threw at them -- God forbid they assumed it was for them -- he took the gentlemanly route and "allegedly" slammed one of the female's heads off the dance floor. The fun didn't stop there, however. Once outside, one of Pacman's "alleged" pals decided to open fire in a crowd, injuring two men and leaving a former professional wrestler -- Tommy Urbanski -- paralyzed from the waist down. Pacman managed to elude any jail time but this incident resulted in the NFL suspending him for a year and his career has been in the dumps since. Now I know what you're wondering, but after hours of searching, I could not find Tommy Urbanski's wrestling name -- all that kept coming up were pictures of some slap dick in a wheelchair. (Don't worry, I put all my eggs in the "hell and karma don't exist" basket a long time ago.) What I believe he was drinking at the time: Remy Martin Cognac Black Pearl Louis XIII. When you stroll around town with 80K worth of swag in your wallet, you drink only the finest nectar. If his other first-class actions in the club are any indication of how big of an Indian giver he is, he probably vomited the Louis XIII back up in his snifter and then refused to pay for it.