While pumping iron last night at my local New York Sports Club -- between the bouts of gawking at cute little vixens, thinking about things I'd rather be doing (coitus with said vixens) and actually working out -- something dawned on me. Every single gym I have ever been too is exactly the same. Sure the facilities and machinery may differ, but the patrons are all eerily similar.

Even though I am a personal trainer (non-practicing), I still only go to the gym because I am programmed too, not because I love doing it. While I'm there, all I want is solitude, a freshly Windex'd mirror, my music and whatever malice-filled thoughts I need to get through it. Unfortunately for me, other people exist, so this heavenly scenario is impossible. Below is a list of some of the people that I sadly keep finding at every gym I have ever gone too.

(Side Note: This does not apply to anyone who works out in a home gym, unless of course, you suffer from severe schizophrenia.)

1. The Playa: This guy usually is in pretty good shape, although you rarely see him doing any actual exercises. Instead he spends the majority of his time trying to hit on females by way of correcting their form or asking if he can "work in." If it were socially acceptable, this guy would walk around sporting an all-out boner with a 25 lb. plate hanging from it.

2. Captain Poor Form: This fragile gent is the gym's leading candidate to develop a tethered spinal cord. When I glance over and witness the Captain perform a set of any exercise, part of me wants to help him and say, "If you keep going about it like this, you're going to hurt yourself," while the other, more dominant, voice in my head says, "Oh yeah... keep watching Waffles, it's only a matter of time till this prick loses it and he leaves here on a stretcher." I'm going to hell... but that's old news.

3. Mr. Obesity: This living tragedy is fat beyond reproach. While I admire his attempt to get in shape, it is abundantly clear to everyone that this poor, 550 lb. bastard has one foot in the grave. With any luck this fat son of a bitch might make a bit of progress so his fate doesn't involve having a massive coronary on the stepper.

4. Muscles Malone: Muscular Development is his Bible, Schwarzenegger his God, Animal Pak ads make him harder than a woman ever could, and "Live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse" is his motto. Why does he yearn to look like such a sideshow? My guess is he was voted "Most Likely to Die of Liver Failure" in his high school and he's not about to let anyone down.

5. The Gang: This gaggle is usually comprised of a couple meatheads who approach the gym like it's fucking social hour. They hog benches, machines, and my patience. Between sets, they stand around massaging each other's assholes while they chit chat about their current bulking diets, new ways to apply self tanner and who has the best homemade hemorrhoid remedy. Each member of this tribe is boisterous to the point of annoying and most of them walk like their balls are so magnificently large that it's burdensome.

6. The Stinker: Day in and day out, this gorgeous individual consistently reeks like rotting flesh and un-hydrated urine. There is no valid explanation or excuse for omitting such an odor. If you naturally smell this way, move from your current home, douse everything you own with hydrochloric acid, and bathe yourself in bleach. Thanks in advance, from EVERYONE.

7. Chicken Legs: Also known as "Bi's, Tri's, and Levi's," this ass jockey decided a long time ago that legs are a non-essential part of a well-rounded physique. He is so disproportioned that he will no longer wear shorts in public. His upper half is sculpted like a Greek God while his lower half is rivals that of a prepubescent boy. Dick included.

8. Did You See How Much Weight I Just Lifted? Guy: After this fella completes a set, he recklessly fires the weights to the ground and then his head is on a swivel looking near and far, wondering how many people he just impressed by benching the 85 lb. dumbbells for a set of four. Your answer sir is zero... now go fuck yourself.

9. The Grunter: Is this really how you exert force? By grunting and making the sounds of a baboon? Cut the shit with the Monica Seles routine, you are making a spectacle of yourself and a mockery of the rest of us.

10. Spandex Man: This isn't Europe, champ. No one and I mean NO ONE wants to see the lackluster bulge God blessed you with. Either put on some real clothes or go ride a ten speed.

As a little bonus I have decided to add some females you might look or stare at (your preference), during your visit to the gym.

1. Ms. "If Only": "Oh the things I would do to you, if only..." is what goes through my mind every time I see this girl. As in "if only she dropped 20 lbs. she'd be smokin' hot," or "if only she got rid of that mustache of hers she'd be worthy of a roll in the hay." This girl is like Michael Vick, all potential. Well maybe that's a bad example since Michael Vick excelled at drowning dogs.

2. Buddha Belly: Now I'm sure this dame is a sweet girl, but is it really necessary for her to flaunt what she's got, when what she's got is 55 extra pounds of cellulite? You can likely find the Buddha, clad in spandex-like pants (with "Juicy" fittingly stamped on the ass) and a tight tube top, pumping out the sweat -- while watching "Friends" reruns -- on her favorite machine, the elliptical.

3. Hot Girl: Every gym has one and every guy therein wants to fuck her. I really have nothing negative to say about the Hot Girl. You're doing a fantastic job at being hot. Keep up the good work.