I rarely drink white wine. Not because of its taste, in fact I rather enjoy the sweetness, but more so because it reminds me of a cocktail that my mother and her friends would order over Cobb salads while discussing the thread count of designer sheets. It's just so blah -- and practical -- it doesn't stain your teeth and it wouldn't even burn if you threw it in someone's face during a bar fight. Plus, it puts you to sleep... or so I thought.

The other night I arrived late to a party hosted by some of my snooty film buff friends and the only drink left was white wine. One glass turned into several and the next thing I know, I'm red faced and leading my boy toy towards the exit. After a wild and crazy session between the sheets that probably woke my neighbors and had them craving a cigarette, he turned to me and said, "If cheap white wine is all it takes for you to get like that, there's plenty more where that came from."

I always knew that alcohol had an effect on my desire to have sex, but I never realized how much influence it had over my sexual style. And really, such logic makes perfect sense. I behave completely differently after long night of pounding tequila shots verses chugging beer. And jungle juice... whoa... let's just say that is a sure fire way to succumb to the walk of shame.

So what is the perfect cocktail for a night of raucous debauchery? Just call me The Sexual Mixologist because after nights of exhausting research, I have determined the sexual effects of various types of alcohols. To gain a little insight into your late night plans, consider her drink of choice:


Whisk(e)y: There is a reason the slogan for Pendleton Canadian Whisky is "Let'er Buck": whisk(e)y chicks can buck all night. These girls are wild and probably no stranger to the mechanical bull in your local dive bar. Snag one of these firecrackers and you are in store for a wild night of girl-on-top sex. Feel free to give her a little spank -- don't worry, she'll like it.

Vodka: In the words of Stoli, vodka gals embody "Pure Thrill." These ladies are flirty, fun, and a little kinky if nudged. Sex is by no means limited to the bedroom. Suggest having sex while sitting in a chair. This position makes her feel in control and offers you a great view of her assets.


Tequila: Any girl who downs shots of tequila lives by the motto of Olmeca Tequila, "...and the fun goes on!" And it does go on... and on... and on... until the wee hours of the morning. Forget quickies, tequila gals have the stamina for marathon sex sessions that leave the sheets tangled in a heap on the floor. They prefer it rough, with lots of hard thrusting, so doggie style works best. Bonus points (and moans) for indulging in a little light hair pulling.


Rum: Get ready to bust out the whipped cream and furry handcuffs because rum girls are all about playful and energetic sex. Probably the result of drinking fermented sugar cane. These hyper ladies are all about variety so expect lots of position changes. Now is the time to break out the toys or don a costume. Still, if that seems like too much effort for a booty call, whisper softly into her ear, "Got a little Captain in you?"


Beer: Not to be a buzz kill, but I think Courage Beer's slogan, "It's what your right arm's for," sums up your night pretty accurately. Beer is filling -- especially for girls -- and if she has drank enough of it to be drunk, there is a good chance sex is going to consist of her lying there like a dead fish. It is hard to feel sexy when your stomach is bloated and you have peed 12 times in the last two hours. And if she does not pass out and leave you to make use of your right hand, feel lucky getting missionary style.


Red Wine: If you are not our boyfriend already, there is a good chance we want you to be. Blame the television show "The Bachelor" and its continuous day dates to vineyards, but for whatever reason, women associate wine with romance. It makes us feel sexy and in sync with our partners. After a long night of wine drinking, expect soft, slow, sensual sex with lots of eye contact and deep kissing. No need to limit the exchange to missionary though; winos are also fans of the spoon position and doggie style while lying down. Be prepared to cuddle afterwards.

So the next time you are at the bar talking to a cute girl, avert your eyes from her cleavage for a moment, and take a look inside her glass. The findings might surprise you. Cheers.