30 Things a Girl Can Do to Turn a Guy Off in Bed
by Waffles McButter | March 17, 2010 - 7:00am | 34 comments - 93 reads3. Having a bunny trail. We watch tons of porn and we took sex education in high school; we don't need a trail carved out for us to find your vag. Just as disgusting: nipple hair. 4. A poorly manicured bush. We want to fuck your vagina, not use it to polish our shoes. 5. Poor vaginal scent. Buy some douche, call Roto-Rooter or flush it out with bleach. It's not that hard to smell nice. 6. Ripping a queef. If it happens don't react and whatever you do don't start to giggle uncontrollably, blame it on your dog or give us a dumb and confused look while saying, "queef?" 7. Being a dead fish. Sure, this could be the guy's fault, but you could at least have the decency to fake it. 8. Refusing to give head. You must give it to get it, ladies. And even if we don't reciprocate, you still must give it. 9. Giving terrible and toothy blow jobs. While it is often referred to as wood, our dick is not literally an oak tree, so try not to grind it down to nothing. Thanks. 10. Refusing to eat our asshole. Remember, having an open mind sexually is the gateway to everlasting love. 11. Ass farts of any kind. I repeat, ass farts of any kind are off limits. If you shart, just leave immediately and consider permanent relocation. 12. Lack of sexual initiation. If I have to steer your hand towards my dick after I'm already risking carpel tunnel from finger blasting you, you can pretty much drop dead. 13. Any unsolicited attempts to finger our asshole. No explanation needed. 14. Crying because the sex was the best you've ever had. While flattering, we don't need to know that you are an emotional disaster. 15. Calling us by another man's name. This was on the men's list also but members of both sexes should be equally aware of how terrible this is. Especially women. 16. Crazy music requests. Insisting that we listen to Brandy's Greatest Hits because that sets the mood for you will only result in me hating fucking the shit out of you while you endure "Creep" by Radiohead on repeat. 17. Thinking that you're staying over. Because you're not. 18. Excessive scratching. Don't confuse this message, some scratching is good but clawing and removing chunks off my back causing me to look like a prisoner of war is not. 19. Mentioning that your ex had a humongous penis. Unless he is dead or you follow that by saying, "but yours is at least four to five times bigger than his," this is completely out of the question. 20. Selfishness. No guy wants a chick who is only concerned if she gets off or does the positions she likes in order to get off. If you do that, don't lay like a deer in headlights after. Were both in it to win it, so don't stop performing until we get ours. In the instance that we happen to finish before you, tough shit. 21. Over-the-top theatrics or screaming. You're a failed actress, we get it, but even though we're stabbing you with our Hitchcock, now's not the time to audition for the lead role in "Psycho." 22. A complete lack of theatrics and screaming. Men are selfish in bed but it feeds our ego to know that we are doing a phenomenal job on you as well, so if we are, take the Lord's name in vain a few times. 23. Failure to mention your period. Most men, in general, don't mind running red lights -- under the right circumstances. What we do mind, however, is unknowingly covering ourselves in someone else's DNA or having to burn our brand-new 1200-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets over some two-bit street hooker. 24. Being too wet. Again, this isn't your fault it's just the way God wired your twat. But if we are fucking and our otherwise harmonious collaboration begins to sound like someone is walking in wet sneakers or making armpit farts, then say farewell to my boner. 25. Being too dry. We understand that the oven takes a little time to preheat, but if your vagina is so dry that we have to break-out lubricant or spit on you, we are not going to be too interested in subsequent romps. 26. Telling us to cum inside you. This is only cool if we have been fucking for a long time or we have confirmation that you are on the pill. Please don't make us ignite the end of a hanger. 27. Mid-sex cover-up. Nothing will turn a guy off more than a girl who is so uncomfortable with her body that she wont take off her top. If we've come this far, the fact that your nipples look like Frisbees isn't going to stop us. 28. Post-sex cover-up. We just fucked you for an hour. During that time we saw every inch of your naked body; your tits were bouncing off our face, you yearned for us to stick our head up your vagina, the works. But now, not even two minutes after we're done you want to cover every last inch of your body like we're in a goddamn Islamic country? It don't work that way sweetie. God gave you tits for a reason, show them off. 29. Not volunteering to make me a corned beef sandwich. I just fucked you for two hours and I'm famished. Do the right thing here... 30. Attempting pillow talk or cuddling after a one-night stand. It's 4 a.m., I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm full from the sandwich, and I really don't care about what you have to say. Seriously. Go to bed already. The first 30 are done. Now drop a few more in the comments.
31) Spit or Swallow: While sucking my dick (with out it being toothy) when I unload my heavenly bro-hood do not jack me off (unless it is in your face) make sure to savor the sweet nectar and either take it down or spit it out in the trash… I don’t want that shit on my floor!
Haha #29 and #30 are classic. Well done Waffles
32)Not do doggy: its a must, everytime
33) Leaving Hickeys. What is this, junior prom? come on.
33) Ask whether or not I’m going to wear a condom. Most likely I haven’t brought a trojan for a reason
biting too much. especially of the lip! It isnt kinky and doesnt feel good, that shit hurts.
17 and 30 go right together. All they want to do is talk…so just leave.
waffles, you pretty much covered it bro. i wanna emphasize the smelly vag, hair, biting and scratching too hard, and not understanding that we want you to leave when its done (hopefully you’re at her place to make that part easy). and getting brain is an absolute must. learn it, and love it ladies
dry handjobs
Handjobs is good, although cant remember when some bitch even attempted that. She would know i,d probably slap a bithc
Congratulations, you came up with a pretty comprehensive list that I was mostly unoffended by. Most of the requests seem like common sense to me, but who knows what goes on in other women’s heads.
I will say that #6, the queefing is not entirely our fault. If you’re pretending that your johnson is a bicycle pump, air will inevitably get trapped inside and since our jay jay are not bicyle tires, the air has to leave at some point. All I have to say about #10 is: You first. In #20’s case, any smart girl who’s only in it to win it will make you go down on her untii she’s sick of looking at the top of your head. So you firing off in 5 minutes shouldn’t be an issue.
1)I regret that I did not offend you further.
2)If this list was common sense to all women then I wouldn’t have to spend my time writing it, now would I?
3)Are you living in a fantasy world? “Make you go down on her until she is sick of looking at the top of your head.” First, no woman in her right mind would get sick of looking at me and second, the only thing a woman can “make me” is that delicious corned beef sandwich I spoke of.
libra… what part of “BRO” bible dont you understand? this site is clearly not for you so please direct yourself to obnoxious slam piece bible… as for waffles, this list is so mint.
BROSTON COLLEGE
www.brostoncollege.com
dude i went to broston college your website sucks cock its the opposite of bro its almost fucking hipsterish
Whats with the bromotion anonymous? That site blows.
#31—she wants round two…I want bed.
I agree with everything except the eating my asshole thing.. I don’t want that shit done to me that shits gay.
As to add.. don’t give handjobs that are dry, like mentioned above. That shit is awkward and hurts like fuck.
Don’t ask me what the fuck I’m thinking or how I’m feeling, that makes things awkward.
If you say I love you in a one night stand or anything like that just leave. Now.
Learn to give blowjobs, don’t just slobber all over it, you aren’t a dog for gods sake.
All I can think of right now, sleeping pills are kickin in
Look bitch, you queefed and its awkward as mofo hoe! It is your fault. This list is def badass(Thanks Waffles your the King of well really everything) but I do feel like if a girl chimes in about queefing shes def a slut hoe, lets put it this way, there is no way in hell that my sister or my mom would chime in on a queef post so for now I deem that girl a whore and half shell, whore power!!!!!!
Giving pre-fuck rules. “I’m not doing this, you are not doing that.” Trust me, youre pussy is not that awsome and I can easily find some other slam piece that likes doing reverse cowgirl.
way to scare the chick away guys..no wonder u are all on a website trying to read how to be bro. libra what u doin tonight?
^ we’re not trying to learn how to be a bro dickbeard, this is a site for bros to be bros, now kindly go fuck yourself.
Calling me daddy, esp. if I don’t want to be reminded.
Telling me how unbelievable you are at head (which all girls seem to do) and then suck at it. Get your friend, sister, mom to show you how.
last anonymous, youre a faggot, youre trying to hit on some random person who said he or she was a girl. they’re probably some creepy 40-year-old and youre trying to get with him online? good luck fucker
also, 27 and 28 are right on. i already saw your tits and your vag, you dont need to fucking cover them up, who gives a fuck. if i fucked you, then i obviously already dont think your body looks like shit
Hahaa all very true.. Well done Waffles
It’s such a shame this isn’t common sense to all women, it is common sense to me. But honey let me tell you, if you can’t be fucked talking what makes you think we can be fucked getting up and making you food? If the girl does it right she’s going to be pretty damn tired too.
Amazing List
eating out the asshole is fucking weird and gay. otherwise i agree with every single thing on this list
seriously…the eating out the asshole thing? really homo
LMFAO i’m a girl but this shits hilarious.
I would like to read some more on it. If you are the one who is experiencing muscle paining, take flexeril and just get out of it. It relieves muscle tension and improves mobility.
MOST FUCKING DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER READ. ABSOLUTE ABOMINATION TO THE INTERNET. GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU ARE A WORTHLESS SEXIST BASTARD.
Take 2 laps feminazi