College Chick Breakdowns: The 11 Girls You'll Meet on Spring Break

Note from Waffles: To have the chicks at your school/alma mater dissected or if you are a feminist swine who needs to be knocked down a few pegs, email me at WafflesMcButter@BroBible.com.

Why do most men consider Spring Break to be the crown jewel of each collegiate year? In a few words: deplorable debauchery coupled with sexual ambiguity followed by not even one ounce of remorse. That's right friends; no other week during the entire school year exists -- save for an impromptu winter break excursion with your bros -- where a guy is afforded the opportunity to act like he wants to act (see: complete and utter scumbag) towards every non-gun carrying member of society.

On Spring Break, no one gives a fuck what or who you do -- as long as you weren't stupid enough to invite your girlfriend. Aside from your bros, everyone else is going to be a complete stranger, and that is the beauty of it all. Do you want to throw your dick in every girl with a full set of limbs? Of course you do. You'll never see these broads again (god willing) so go ahead and fuck a few partial amputees while you're at it. What about condoms? Fuck 'em, their expensive! You deserve this. After all the hard work you did this semester: countless minutes in the gym, intense chaying to prepare your liver, meticulous grooming of your scrotum and taint -- you couldn't dare deprive your dick of its Graceland. [Editor's Note: Um, except if you don't want to turn into Antonio "7-babies, 6-moms, 5-states" Cromartie or come home with something worst than Montezuma's Revenge.]

Spring Break offers all a bro could ever want. You can spend everyday drunk, high, and incredibly annoying to sober people, and as long as your actions fall within the parameters of the local law, you have nothing to worry about because when the week is over, only you, your bros, and Joe Frances will know about the chick you guys bukakked. Come to think of it, the only thing really missing from Spring Break is legal amnesty. So fuckin' raise hell, but try not to burn a Mexican village to the ground. As you can probably tell, this week we are going deviate from our normal College Chick Breakdown series and instead take a refreshing dip into the pool of chicks that you will meet (or for some of you, already met) on Spring Break this year.

The Freak Slut

This gem is usually a 7.5 on the superficial scale of hotness. She thinks that she is the queen of beer pong... and it turns out she is. Once you get her naked you'll be shocked that she has forgone the tramp stamp for a less conventional tit tattoo. It will probably be of a unicorn or other mythical creature. She will insist that you fuck her in the ass and in return she will eat your asshole as a sign of goodwill. When you get back to school you will look her up on Facebook only to see that she has 500+ photos of herself sitting at her computer in creepy, sexy poses. You'll conclude that the one of her deep-throating a zucchini is your favorite.

Slutty McSlutterson This broad is as easy as Simple Jack is retarded, but unlike the Freak Slut, she won't leave you with a heightened sense of grotesque accomplishment. You'll fuck her, because she is above a 5 and you are piss-drunk, but in the morning when your bros make fun of you because she had a bubble fupa and her teeth resembled a picket fence, you'll wish that God took you in your sleep.

The Cougar When she booked this "relaxing getaway" to Cancun (or other blatant Spring Break destination) she did it knowing full well it would be during a college week. Only in her late 30s, this cougar looks like she has been through life's ringer because her substance abuse and chain smoking lifestyle have aged her far less gracefully than most. If you could look past the nicotine lines, varicose veins, and crocodile skin -- only to get to the set of mud flaps she calls pussy lips -- then she'll be the easiest fuck you find all week.

The Faithful Girl Chicks, on average, are usually far less likely to engage in sweet acts of infidelity than their male counterparts. This is the girl who will refuse to cheat and even if she does buckle a little it will be a drunken kiss and nothing more. An instant sign that you've found yourself a faithful is the moment her boyfriend enters the conversation or she begins to refer to him indirectly. At this point you should deduce that you have no shot and now would be as good a time as any to give her a nudge off a nearby balcony.

The Cling-on You came a few times and now you're ready to move on. Problem is, she isn't. In her mind, you're her Spring Break husband. She will want you to be her go-to guy for a week of passion and romance. You're fucked if she is in your hotel because while you are at the pool, talking up other chicks and handing out dick samples, she will be steps away stalking you like wild game. If you think you've got a clinger, stave her off by showing her just the kind of guy you really are.

Miss Waste-of-Time When it comes to looks, she is the hottest non-celeb you will find. Her idea of a good time, however, is flirting with you and soaking in all the attention and liquor you will feed her. At the end of the night, she will award all your troubles and effort with a less than impressive make-out session. If you're a fool, you will waste your entire week trying to fuck her because it will take no less than that to get in her pants since she has some self-worth. Save yourself the agony and find looser women, because this broad is probably no more enjoyable to fuck than an electrical outlet anyway.

Jail Bait This is self explanatory. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. (See also: Statutory Rape.)

Fatty Cock Block Thanks to her sluggish thyroid she'll never get laid and now because of her, you won't either. Her mission is clear: protect her "girlies" from scumbags like you. The FCB's one weakness, however, is all-inclusive hotels. Over the years she has developed gills for breathing so she can take full advantage of buffet style eating. If you really want to score with one of her friends it's imperative that you make your move while the tank is refueling. Note: The cock block is a chameleon and comes in numerous forms, but none irk a man's game more than the fat ones or religious bitches.

The Pivot She probably goes to school in the Midwest. She is very personable so you'll meet her at the pool early on in your day. She'll seem hot at first, especially from a safe distance. When she finally comes into focus, however, her questionable hygiene and light mustache become more apparent. The good news is that she is the girl who so desperately wants to be one of the guys that she does everything in her power to help you get laid. She'll even make "friends" with other sets of chicks, and then offer a warm introduction as you and your bros slide right in for the kill. [Note: The girls in the photo above are probably a little higher on the scale than a true Pivot. Oh well.]

Holly Hospital

This is the chick whose parents never let her drink in high school and now -- thanks to their dog-shit child rearing -- she winds up getting alcohol poisoning right before the night gets good. Be careful with chicks like this because when the ambulance and police arrive to cart her away, you will also look forward to answering questions you definitely don't want to answer. Such as, "Who drew 10 dicks on her face and then poured fabric softener in her ear?" and "Is that cocaine on the coffee table?" To these you will respond, "That wasn't us, she just does her makeup that way" and "No officer, that's just the leftover powdered sugar from the gingerbread houses we made for Mexican orphans."

The One Her looks top out at a 9, but her aura lifts her well past a 10. She is hot, yes, but what makes her so fucking desirable is her uncanny ability to hang with the boys. She is incredibly chill and she has no qualms about drinking whatever you put in front of her. Beer, liquor, embalming fluid: she chugs them like a lady and a fiend. Like you, she realizes what Spring Break is and she knows that all her whorish acts will be absolved once she returns to her boyfriend at the University of Tennessee. That is why she'll fuck you on the beach while drunken passersby stare in awe as your hairy ass pumps like a piston. If you find the one, cherish her, for she is an angel.

Have other chicks you've encountered on break? Toss 'em in the comments. Next week we'll return with Southern Methodist University and below is a list of the breakdowns that will be coming in the next few weeks. -- Penn State University -- Duke University -- University of Texas -- Clemson University -- University of Southern California

Previous College Breakdowns:

University of Miami

University of California, Santa Barbara

Marquette University

James Madison University

Arizona State University

Johns Hopkins University

Indiana University

Loyola University

Trinity College

Villanova University

University of Alabama

ATTENTION: We want to get an Ivy League school done, so anyone out there with extensive knowledge of a quality Ivy, email me. [many photos via COED]