The 11 Worst Things a Guy Can Do in Bed to Ruin Things With a Chick

This is the latest installment of Ask A Bro with Waffles McButter. Got a question of your own for Waffles? Email wafflesmcbutter@brobible.com. You can also now follow Waffles on Twitter or be his friend on Facebook.

Waffles,

My bros and I were discussing some horror stories in the bedroom and we were wondering what is the worst thing a guy could do in bed that would totally ruin it with a chick?

Thanks,
CuBro19

CuBro,

There isn't just one thing that a man can do to ruin a sexual encounter. Even if you are a sensible human being with no aspirations of literally defecating on another person, there are still plenty of things that you could do to completely turn a chick sour, especially if you do them in the throws of passion. Luckily, if you have gotten this far, the hardest part is over. She is in bed with you and now all you have to do is seal the deal without ruining your chances for subsequent romps. (Note: If your objective is to just get a nut off and never talk to the pig again, go for broke, fuck her carelessly, try every kinky position in the book, and drink a quart of milk before it happens so your stool will be nice and loose.)

Avoiding awkward scenarios and dialogue with a girl that you haven't fucked before is usually a sound idea. Some dames are kinky and can get into weird shit, but most will get freaked out and even offended if you start snaking fingers where they don't belong. Here is a list of a few general things to avoid when you don't want a girl to be turned off or spread rumors about how you cry like a baby when you orgasm.

1. Having a small dick. This isn't your fault, necessarily, but you're practically a mutant so you better have a tongue like Gene Simmons to compensate for the punch line in your pants.

2. Learn to last. In your teens, sensations are heightened but by the time you can legally drink you should have figured out how to operate your dick and fuck like a pro -- even when sober -- for at least 10 to 15 minutes, 90% of the time. If you can't control Old Faithful, figure out ways to hide it. A good trick -- for those times that your cock is about to make a fool out of you -- is to pull out and go down on the girl while you bust in your hand. Once you wipe your pre-mature load all over her bedding and get hard again, come back up, and play like a champion.

3. Spunking in a broad's mouth without any warning. This can go either way but I generally contest that if she is sucking your dick like she is on death row, then it's your civic duty to read the broad her final rights and shoot the last supper in her mouth.

4. Confessing your undying love on the first night.Telling a girl you just met that you love her will totally freak her out and assure you a nice, quite evening of masturbation.

5. Calling Betty by another girl's name. The only thing that could be worse than calling a girl by another girl's name is if you're tappin' her from behind and you mistakenly call her Carl.

6. Saying or doing really weird shit. This one is hard to explain so I will just revert back to an example that happened to a girl friend of mine a few years ago. Basically, she had just started seeing this guy and she was really feeling him so she decided it was finally time to give him some action. They were making out for a while and everything was copasetic until, out of nowhere, the guy started reciting the "This little piggy" poem when he began fingering her, using his fingers as the piggies and her vagina as the market. Needless to say, the market closed rather quickly.

7. Acting like Big Ben. This might come as a surprise, but not every girl will fuck you on the first night so don't be to overzealous if she is timid and the third base coach is giving you the hold sign. Everyone is sensible enough to know that sexual assault and rape is wrong, and a class A felony, but being too forward and aggressive -- even if it could pass some legal muster -- is a sure fire way to leave a girl wanting less. And by "less" I mean nothing to do with you.

8. Take off your socks. This one is a stretch but I included it because when I asked several chicks about what turns them off, all of them told me that when they're rolling around in bed, they don't want to caress a guys leg only to feel his tube socks. Blood is flowing elsewhere in the body, so your feet should still be plenty warm sans socks.

9. Grunting or excessive moaning. Unless you get your pubes tangled or your cock breaks, there is no need for a man to squeal in bed and there is certainly no physical need to grunt or moan so loud and dramatically that it sounds like your trying out for the female lead in a porno.

10. Odd body part fixations If you have an asshole, foot, bellybutton, or any other peculiar fetish, it's better to save these for when you have a girlfriend or when you're raping yourself to porn.

11. Letting your roommate enjoy the show. This pertains mostly to college guys but a lot of the girls with whom I have talked about this are not keen on having another guy in the room watching them fuck. For guys, pulling this maneuver is a rite of passage and a hilarious high-five-laden story to tell the next day, but to broads it's not nearly as awesome.

Remember, not all women will find these things as turn-offs and some might even be into your thimble cock and sick fantasies, but if you want to fuck a girl more than once, it's better to proceed with caution. And whatever you do, don't play children's games with her vagina. Women want to fuck a man, not an infant.

Bound and Gagged,
Waffles